Resolutions, Smesolutions...

This time of year, most of us sit back and reflect on changes we would like to make in our lives. We then perform the age old tradition of making our "New Year's Resolution" to make a promise to ourselves that we will carry through with them. I think we should examine and decipher what we REALLY mean when we make our resolutions...

Resolution: I want to lose twenty pounds this year.
Truth: I want to discover a pill that will make me lose twenty pounds in a week this year.

Resolution: I want to exercise more and tone and strengthen my muscles.
Truth:  I will buy exercise equipment.  I will sit on the couch and watch some
exercise programs then I will sit on the couch and watch Law & Order using
my exercise equipment as a laundry utensil.
 
Resolution:  I want to be a nicer person.
Truth:  I will keep my middle finger in the proper place while driving.
 
Resolution:  I want to stop smoking.
Truth:  I will hide in the bathroom and on the back porch and smoke until
January 10th, then I will puff like the freight train I was meant to be.
 
Resolution:  I want to be more fiscally responsible.
Truth:  I will say no to super size at McDonalds, well until January 10th anyway.
 
Enjoy your New Year's resolutions for as long as they last whether it be January 10th or the more disciplined, January 11th...braggers.

Twas the Last Shopping Night Before Christmas...

Twas the last shopping night before Christmas and all through the stores,
All the shoppers were scurrying and buying in hords.

People were grouchy and credit cards were full,
Definite signs that it's time for the yule!

Ma had her egg nog and I, beer on tap,
We were exhausted, our energy sapped.

When out in the driveway we heard such a clatter,
We staggered to the window to see what was the matter!

Unexpected family arrived at our door,
More gifts!!  NO! No more!!!

We turned out the lights and hid under the table,
We should be hospitable but just were not able.

They kept hitting the doorbell, it rang and it rang.
Surely they will go away...DANG!

They turned and they got back into their car,
Oh please let them go far.

Then we exclaimed as they drove away in their Rover,
We should have been Jewish, heck Hanukkah is over!!!

Busy,busy, busy...

With the Christmas season at full peak, it reminds of the busyness of our lives.  It seems we just don't have time for anything anymore.  No one visits or even knows their neighbors and our hands would probably fall off if we tried to write a letter.  Our lives are filled with so much to do...it must be that we are doing extremely important things...filling our days with such constructive activities that we MUST be changing our world for the better.  Three hours of facebook is very important to...uh...well...our...uh...gimme a second.  It's important for socialization, yeah that's it!!!  I mean remember when we used to visit people and talk on the front porch?  Suckers.  And who has time to clean our house and take care of yard work when there is a Law & Order marathon on????  We have to take time for that!!!  Law & Order is educational...that is EXACTLY what it's like in the real world, especially in a small town like Winchester!  You want me to volunteer??!!  WHAT!!!!  Did you not see that UK is playing???? Idiot.  We're too busy to cook, instead we fix our food in a microwave and yell, "Hurry up!!!!"  There is no time to wait!  I have to update my status before Law & Order comes on!!!  I'm busy!!   

Our Biggest Fears...

All of us are afraid of something.  I have heard that the most common fear is speaking in public, the second is the fear of death.  I guess this means many people would rather die than speak in public.  Hmmmm, something to think about.  My daughter is afraid of bugs, especially spiders.  I had a neighbor who was deathly afraid of snakes.  A male friend of mine was terrified of clowns...Ronald McDonald approached him at an assembly he was attending with his children and he threatened to punch him.  Now THAT is fear! 

I can honestly say that none of those fears are my greatest one.  I do hate snakes, but hate mice more.  Clowns are kind of creepy but I can't say that they scare me.  I NEVER mind speaking, be it private or public and I am quite content with my life after death.  Spiders and bugs do not phase me.  What am I afraid of you ask?  One thing...ONE can send shivers down my spine and make my blood turn cold.  One thing can give me nightmares at night and wake me in terror...laundry!

Laundry is the most evil, most detestable curse placed on the human race.  It never EVER ends!!  EVER!!!  I throw the clothes in the washer, put them in the dryer while another load goes in the washer.  The load is dry so I put them in the hamper to fold and then...AAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!  They never get folded!  There is always an interruption or distraction and then there are two loads to fold then three until I am staring at the foot of Mt. Never-rest!  I cannot tell you how many curse words have been mumbled from my lips while trying to find something to wear in the morning in this pile of death!  There is no greater feeling of relief than to tame this savage beast...to have all of the laundry folded and put away, everything in its place.  Doesn't that feel good?  Ahh yes, until you open the dryer and find...(blood curdling scream)...MORE LAUNDRY!!!   (shiver)

I think I will sleep with the light on tonight...the world just isn't safe.

Christmas Carols for this Week's Shopping...

The Christmas shopping season is getting ready to go full swing!!!  This is the time of year for peace and good will toward men...but who are we kidding?  It's every shopper for themselves!!!  Get my parking spot and might poke your eye out!!!  To survive the season, I'm going to share a couple of Christmas carols that you can hum to some of your favorite tunes...

To be sung to the tune of "Joy to the World,"

No Joy at the Stores

Here come the nuts, the sales have begun!

Let crazies roam the stores!!

Let every mom, fight other mom's

for the last Pillow Pet in the store

or the last XBox in the store,

or she'll beat her up

with her Gucci purse!

This next one is to be sung to the Elvis Presley song, "Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me,"

Santa Bring My Credit Back to Me

Santa bring my credit back to me,

Santa bring my credit back to me...

I need alot of presents

to do my family right,

or they will never speak to me

or let me sleep at night.

Ohhh Santa, if you please--

Santa extend some credit out to meeeeeeee...

Santa bring my credit back to,me,

Santa bring my credit back to me...

The toy list's getting longer

longer every day,

"Santa ain't made of money!"

is all that I can say.

Ohhhhh Santa, if you please,

Santa extend some credit out to meeeeeeee...

Santa bring my credit back to me,

Santa bring my credit back to me.

Hopefully these little ditties will help you get through this season of pushing and shoving and name calling...and that's just while you're trying to leave your house!!!  Good Luck!



Life's Constants...

There are certain constants in life. Undeniable things that will NEVER change...

The sun will always rise in the east and set in the west. We won’t wake up one day and say, “Hey! The sun is rising in the north! What the hell…”

We will all pay taxes. We will all die. Some of us will die paying taxes.

Men will always enjoy passing you in the hall naked and going "Woo Woo!" as they shake their privates at you.

Cat turds will always stink and dogs, for God knows what reason, will always sneak and eat them. I will never understand that…I mean…I sneak off and eat a bag of Doritos sometimes but you won’t see me sneak to the bathroom and grab snack! Yuck! Worst part is, we let them lick our face. We’re such suckers…yet another constant.

Old people will always drive slow and young people will always drive fast…and my mother will always push the imaginary brake on the passenger side floorboard. SERIOUSLY!!!! You can’t make the car stop Mom!!!! Just like throwing your right arm across us when you slammed on the brakes was NOT going to keep us from going through the windshield. Let GM add THAT to their safety features!

Boobs will always fall with age unless they are fake…in which case…I hate you. Young women are always going to be a cruel reminder of what used to be…in which case…I hate them too. Some women are a size D cup or above…I also hate you. But I’m getting sidetracked…flat chested women are bitter…that is another constant.

It's nice to know that some things never change...I like stability...

Hell Hath No Fury as Me in the Traffic Line at School

My family makes so much fun of me regarding my road rage.  I admit it fully that I suffer from this issue.  I can be in a perfectly good mood when some idiot cuts me off and I am ready to ring his/her neck!  STUPID DRIVER!!! GET OFF THE ROAD!!  Oh, I'm sorry...I forgot myself for a minute.  I don't think that I am alone in this problem.  We all seem to be short fused these days with all of the hustle and bustle going on in our lives.  Road rage is not the only time we may show our frustrations.  There are other triggers that may cause some of our hissie fits.  I thought maybe we would look at a few of them:

Road Rage:  This is the easiest situation for me to lose my temper, probably because no one can hear what I say.  I'm not one of those crazy people that gets out of their car and starts a fight...I just sit cowardly in my car and mouth off.  The thing that sets me off more than anything else is the traffic line at my kids school in the morning when I drop them off.  AAAAARRRGH!!!  The rule is; pull up to the end of the sidewalk so that ten cars can unload as opposed to dropping them off at the door so that two can.  This is not hard to understand!!!!  In April, parents will still be doing this.  Why must you torment me!!!??? 

Shopping Cart Rage:  Ever walked down the aisle of a supermarket only to find it blocked by some lady who has parked her cart in the middle and is standing beside it taking her own sweet time reading the nutrition facts on a box of Wheat Thins?  MOVE!!!!  You know what lady?  When you get home you aren't going to care what those Wheat Thins say...you are totally gonna binge on a box of Chips Ahoy so just get out of my way and go get your cookies!!!  My usual response is an obnoxiously loud, "Excuse me!" then I grab my cookies and go on my way...grumbling of course.

Lazy Family Rage:  You are busily straightening the house, doing laundry, dusting, vacuuming, the works.  You look up only to find that the kids are playing video games and your husband is watching the game.  Unbelievable!!!  The tirade that soon follows is best said behind closed doors.  I usually like to inform my family that without me they would probably starve and drowned in their own filth!  They tend to go on about their relaxing while I am now cleaning vigorously due to the increase in adrenaline.  How do they always WIN!!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...

These are just a few of the rages that I have observed.  There are many more but I'm afraid if I list them, my sanity might come into question... 

Evil Lurks Behind the Door...

I approached the darkened house cautiously, a low thunder rolled in the distance.  As an uneasy wind whistled, I fumbled for my keys.  There was an overwhelming sense of evil in the air that sent shivers down my spine.  I could sense that something was a miss, something was wrong.  I entered the door into the darkened house.  I tried to turn on the switch but it wasn't working.  The uneasiness grew, I could feel my heart beating rapidly.  I must face what is inside, of that I am sure.  I fumble through the kitchen until I find the lighter.  The light gives an eerie glow, but somehow it offers a sense of relief.  I begin to descend  down the steps to the basement.  The light aids with the steps but the corners look darker than usual.  The shadows are difficult to make out, I say a prayer to myself.  Behind the door is where I must go to face what is on the other side.  Slowly, I turn the knob and ease the door open.  I shine the light inside...No...No...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE laundry?  Stupid laundry.

A House Divided!

There are several different things that can divide a household such as; politics, religion, and financial handling just to name a few.  What divides my household you might ask?  College sports!  I am a die hard Kentucky Wildcat fan and my fiance' is a die hard Louisville Cardinal fan.  Anyone who is familiar with the rivalry can attest that it is deep rooted.  One would almost believe that we are doomed from the start!  Since this is a potentially volatile situation, I have come up with some ideas to help keep the peace in our relationship:

I bought two Christmas ornaments, one UK and one U of L to hang on our tree.  I really have no idea how his became a doggy chew toy.  That is just a shame!  Oh well, my UK one will still look pretty.

I am putting out garden flags to support both teams.  My UK flag will be in the flower garden in the front yard.  I placed his Louisville flag in a special place as well...see it over there in the backyard behind the storage building?  Doesn't it look great?

On game day we support our favorite team by wearing our favorite team shirt.  I wear my blue and white proudly!  What??  How did bleach get on his new Louisville hoodie!??!  Wonders never cease.

I will watch my UK games in the living room and he will watch his Louisville games in the den.  How did the cord get cut off of the television in the den?  Now that is a mystery.

I am very proud of myself for making this effort to not let this rivalry get in the way of such a beautiful relationship.  I am confident that once these "coincidences" work themselves out, all will be well. (walks away whistling innocently)

More Lessons in Humility...

I once said that I would never color my hair when it turned gray.  Ah, the silly things we say in our youth.  Little did I know how unruly gray hair was!  I thought gray hair was just regular hair turned, well, turned gray.  No, no, no...gray hair is a completely different texture and for some odd reason, it is curly!  What the heck is that about??!!  The second these crazy little things began to show up, I began to hide them.  Thus began my experiment with hair color!

For the most part, I choose a color that is close to my natural color...a medium brown.  I sometimes step out of the box and go a shade darker, sometimes I go with a little bronze tint.  Oooooooooo...I know how to live on the edge!  This time I was going to go red, how exciting!  I absolutely LOVE red hair, LOVE it!!  My kids have red hair, my brother has red hair, my fiance' has...well...he's bald, but at one time he had red hair!  I went to the hair care aisle at the department store and began studying the colors.  Ah, Cinnaberry!  That sounds nice.  The picture on the box was a beautiful auburn color; I'm sure mine will turn out just like that!!!  Well, maybe.

I applied the hair color and waited anxiously for the results.  Oh this is going to look great, I just knew it!!  Interesting how the hair color looks purple when I am applying it, no matter, I'm sure it will look fine once it's finished.  I rinse and condition, this is so exciting!!!  Wow, that tub water looks a bit purple, oh it's fine I'm sure.

Burgundy.  Yep.  That is what my hair color is, an interesting shade of Burgundy!!!  I come out of the bathroom and my son begins to laugh, "I thought it was supposed to be red!"  He is a very observant child.  "I think my hair is burgundy."  My daughter chimes in, "I like burgundy Mom, it's better than gray."  She does have a point.  Maybe I just need to get used to it.

The kids and I take a trip to visit my parents.  As we sit on the back porch enjoying the fall day, my kids and my mother begin choosing foliage that matches my hair color.  "Look at those leaves, they are the same color as your hair.  Oooo, so are those!"  And they wonder why I don't visit more often. 

The good news is that this is only a twenty-eight day rinse.  After that I can go back to my usual medium brown.  Until then I can consider myself a fall decoration!  Like my daughter said, it's better than gray!!  

In the Name of Beauty...

I remember a time when I used to tell people, "I will NOT color my hair!  Gray hair is a symbol of WISDOM and of a life LIVED.  I will wear it GRACEFULLY!"  Idiot.  That's easy to say when you have no gray hair.  The second I saw that skunk line forming down the middle of my scalp, I was in the hair color aisle debating hazelnut or suede brown.  I know very few people who grow old gracefully, some just generally surrender from exhaustion.

I've tried all kinds of products to try and make me look younger.  My trouble spot is my eyes, they're baggy.  Not just a little tired baggy, but basset hound, Paul McCartney baggy.  I bought a roll-on product that is used daily, didn't work.  Cucumber patches, kinda worked but not really.  Bought an expensive eye cream, clinically proven to reduce lines and wrinkles with a day and night formula.  Liars.  Best thing to happen to my baggy eyes was poor eyesight.  I was in deep denial that my eyesight was getting worse.  I had never worn glasses and as I approached forty, I refused to believe that maybe I needed them.  My fiance' convinced me to go to the doctor who informed me that I needed glasses.  Sigh.  Heavy sigh.  So sadly, I began shopping for frames.  What's this?  Could it be?? Yes!!  I have found the cure for my eye bags!!  Glasses whose frames hit right below my eyes and cover those nasty bags!!  I love being blind!  "You should have gotten contacts?  Why didn't you get contacts?" say my friends and co workers.  Why would I do that?  I have found the fountain of youth fools!  If I forget my glasses when I leave the house, I don't worry about whether or not I will see, but rather what everyone else will see;  my age. 

Next trouble spot has nothing to do with age but has been a lifelong issue, my flat chest.  Yeah I said it, I hate having a flat chest.  In a world of breast augmentation and an obsession with D cups or higher, my little B's are often sad and blue.  My mother used to work in retail and would sometimes buy me markdown items, these would sometimes include undergarments.  Once during a visit she informed me that she purchased a bra for me.  I was excited because bras are expensive.  What she produced was a white bra with rainbow hearts on it.  I was 37 years old.  "Don't you like it?" she asked.  "Yeah Mom, when I was 12!!!" This would not have happened were I a D cup.  Recently I was in Victoria's Secret and they had a new bra that claims to increase your bust by 2 cup sizes.  Upon inspection I saw that it was completely stuffed with only a small space of about 2 inches to hold my actual breasts.  It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!!  I have never had cleavage like that!  *Sniff, sniff*  I still get teary-eyed thinking about it.

I always said I would flaunt my wisdom and not hide my age, of course that was before I actually had any wisdom.  If I want to have fake hair, four eyes and pretend boobs then by golly at least I have the wisdom not to spend a lot of money on it!  That is of course, till I win the lottery...

A New Generation of Gamers...

When I say the word "gamer," most people picture an awkward teenager, sitting in his/her room glued to a television set and feverishly maneuvering the controls OR you may also picture most any man under the age of 35.  There is a new generation of gamers out there and they are more obsessed, more serious than any other generation.  I call it...The Farmville Fiends!!!  If you have a facebook account, you know what I am talking about.  Posting upon posting of bushels of corn for sale, adopt a deer, rewards for composting  everywhere!  Now before I offend anyone I must admit...I too have a farm in Farmville, so I speak from experience.

My farm is AMAZING!  It has a Swiss Chalet, Farmhouse, Library (my avatar likes to read), Schoolhouse (she also believes in higher education), Winery (did I mention she is a lush) and livestock.  I have built a pigpen, dairy barn, nursery barn and horse stable with my own two hands!!  Well, that and several clicks of a mouse.  My winery is thriving...I sell several bottles a day and make quite alot of money.  I try to raise crops that I know people will need to buy for their businesses.  If I'm going to farm I want to be profitable!  Ooops, sorry...I keep forgetting this isn't real.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this game, you plant your crops from seed and harvest when ready.  Sometimes this takes two hours, sometimes two days.  If you do not harvest them in time, they wither and you lose money.  I have almost been late to work harvesting cranberries!  Fiance:  "Baby, aren't you going to be late for work?" Me:  "I'm hurrying, I have to harvest my cranberries for my Sweet Sake!!"  Fiance:  "Baby...you know that's not real..."  Dang it!!  I keep forgetting!! 

I know Farmville is not real, but surely it's close.  I mean sometimes my hand cramps from clicking those crops to harvest, especially if my Harvester is out of gas and I have to do it buy hand.  Whew!!  Now that is what I call hard work.  Farming is a tough life.

How to Survive College When You're Older Than Your Professors...

I am beginning my second semester back in college.  This is very exciting for me!  I last attended college in 1995, 15 years ago!  I was nervous at first, afraid of failure.  The academics came back to me fairly quickly.  What a relief!  Then I began to notice that all of the professors had gotten younger!  Wait a minute...no...they aren't younger...I..am OLDER!!!!  (pause for screaming in terror) I also noticed that many of my classmates were born the same year I graduated high school, making me old enough to be their mother. (pause for more screaming in terror)  This made me stand out somewhat, instead of being just another sophomore, I am the old chic.  That makes me shiver a little-the old chic.  I cannot deny the fact that I am 20 years older than most of my classmates, nor that I am the same age or older than many of my professors.  What I can do is not add to the stereotype.  I have noted a few survival tips to make me seem less old:

When commenting in class, do not start out a comment with, "When I was your age..."  Not cool.

Just because the professor is the same age as you, does not mean that he/she sees you as an equal.  Do NOT high five them. 

Do not adopt the fashions of the campus females.  They are young and hot...you look like an idiot.

Do not get upset with your fellow classmates and their new age political views. They're so cute when they're communists! 

Try to only go up and down stairways when they are full of people. The sound of your knees cracking is just disturbing.

Embrace your inner nerd!  Speak out in class and show the world that middle-aged wisdom!

Just a few tips I have learned, not that I have actually done any of these things...

Wow! I'm getting married...again!

Some people collect knick knacks, some collect stamps, myself...I collect in laws.  This was not an intended hobby, it just happened to find me!   I have 2 father-in-laws, 2 mother-in-laws, 2 brother-in-laws, one sister-in-law and now I am gaining 2 more sister-in-laws.  Hmmmm...it's uneven.  Somehow I have to find a brother for my fiance'.  I really do not want to get married a fourth time to even out my collection.   What a dilemma!!

I am the first person to make fun of myself regarding my multiple marriages.  I feel it puts people at ease regarding the subject.  I always pictured myself as the girl who would marry in her early 20's, have 2 kids and a dog (picket fence optional), and live happily ever after rocking my years away on the front porch with my wrinkled little husband.  Didn't quite happen that way.  I cannot totally blame the ex husbands for the failures either. Well, I could I guess but that would not be fair.  Fact is, in both my marriages, the only common denominator is me.  I played my part; I fully admit it.  I did gain something from those experiences.  First and foremost, I gained two beautiful children who fill my heart with a love that is unexplained unless you have children.  Secondly, I have gained wisdom.  I have learned more about myself...who I am and what I want in this life.  My hope is that this will prepare me for this upcoming life change.  I hope that my past failures lead me to a great success.

My fiance' asked me to marry him a week ago.  I have already picked out the colors, my dress, the type of flowers I want, a general idea of the reception menu, and the wedding court.  We are looking for a place to get married and someone to officiate.  Is officiate the right term?  Sounds a little like a ballgame.  People think that I have been planning all along, but I have not.  The engagement was a complete surprise.  Fact is, when you have been married as many times as I have, it is easier to pick out what you have not used as opposed to what you are going to use!  Actually, my 7 year old daughter and I sat down and talked about it.  She picked out the colors and the dresses...so do NOT tell me it is difficult planning a wedding because I will quickly tell you that even a 7 year old can do it!   My son is going to give me away and my daughter is going to be my maid of honor.  Every time I picture this I get a bit misty eyed, I cannot believe I am this blessed.

They say third time's charm.  Maybe there is something to that, but I don't think so.  I think it just took us a little longer to find each other.  I think we had things to work out in our lives first, things to heal from and grow from.  I love this man with everything in my heart and I am marrying him for all of the right reasons.  So what if my collection is uneven...it gives it character!

10 Things I Have Learned from My Dog

Dogs make great companions!  They love us unconditionally regardless of what we look like or what mood we might be in. We could learn a lot from our canine friends...here are some things I have learned from mine:

  1.  In a relationship, cuddling is not an option...it is a requirement.
  2.  Inhaling your food is not a sign of poor etiquette, but a compliment to the chef!
  3.  We should greet the ones we love with excitement EVERY day.
  4.  If you get out of bed in the middle of the night, your warm spot is free game!
  5.  A good walk is good for the soul.
  6.  If I appear hyper, I'm just happy to see you!
  7.  No one likes to be tied down or fenced in, explore the possibilities! 
  8.  It does not matter if you are a dog or a human, no one likes to be watched while doing number 2!
  9.  When you love something you protect it.
10.  Regardless of your breeding, size, or sex...I will still judge you by your butt odor!

Lessons in Humility...Part 2

If there is one thing that I have learned from being a mom it is this, your children will tell you exactly what you don't want to know!  Never ask your kids if these pants make your butt look big, they will tell you.  Never ask your kids if they like your new hair color, they will tell you.  Always save these questions for people who you KNOW will lie to you gracefully.

I recently took the kids to the dentist for their check up and cleaning.  This kind of thing always makes you feel good as a mother because you know you are doing something good for your kids.  So I'm feeling really good about myself and the visit and the kids teeth look so clean and white...aaaaahh, life is good.  I look at my daughter and say, "Baby, your teeth look so pretty and white."  to which she replies, "Then maybe you should get your teeth cleaned too Mom."  Note to self, pick up whitening strips on the way home...

Lessons in Humility...Part 1

I love to dance!  I have always loved to dance from the time I was a little girl and even now.  I work in the retail field and many of the people that I work with are young people in college who like to go to the clubs and dance.  I too used to enjoy this activity when I was younger and more, shall we say, flexible.  One Friday night a group of women were going to go dancing and invited me to come along.  Of course I would go!!  I love to dance!!  So off I went to go play with the young folk.

I arrive ready to teach some lessons!  I'll teach these girls how it's done.  They will envy my moves that are seconded ONLY by my infinite wisdom!  We hit the dance floor and I am feeling pretty in love with myself, I still got it.  My booty is shaking, sweat is rolling, then a voice comes up from behind me, "Lisa, you need to move faster."  What?!  Move faster?!  "You move your hips to slow, you need to move them faster."  I inform her, "This is as fast as they go!  If I go any faster I may pee my pants!"  And thus ends my cool reign...

Dating in your 40's...

Now that I'm 40, there are some days that I just feel OLD!  I'm not even talking physically, I'm talking mentally as well.  I find myself saying things like, "If I were your mother!" or "When I was your age?" which always reminds me of how I am no longer "cool."  Here is a trick if you want to feel young again...start dating.  Not because of the mushy, warm and fuzzies that you get; but because of the the way you'll act the second something goes wrong!  My oh my!!  Hit a bump in a relationship and you will be instantly transported back to high school!!  You will talk about the "jerk" to ALL of your girlfriends.  You will eat ice cream, completely ignoring your lactose intolerance.  You will post attention-getting comments on your facebook, twitter, myspace, etc. OR youtube videos of 80's love songs.  Your behavior will transport you to a time when your skin was tight and pimply and your boobs were still where they belonged!  Sigh.  I think I will go fight with my boyfriend...I need a facelift.