Monday, September 27, 2010

In the Name of Beauty...

I remember a time when I used to tell people, "I will NOT color my hair!  Gray hair is a symbol of WISDOM and of a life LIVED.  I will wear it GRACEFULLY!"  Idiot.  That's easy to say when you have no gray hair.  The second I saw that skunk line forming down the middle of my scalp, I was in the hair color aisle debating hazelnut or suede brown.  I know very few people who grow old gracefully, some just generally surrender from exhaustion.

I've tried all kinds of products to try and make me look younger.  My trouble spot is my eyes, they're baggy.  Not just a little tired baggy, but basset hound, Paul McCartney baggy.  I bought a roll-on product that is used daily, didn't work.  Cucumber patches, kinda worked but not really.  Bought an expensive eye cream, clinically proven to reduce lines and wrinkles with a day and night formula.  Liars.  Best thing to happen to my baggy eyes was poor eyesight.  I was in deep denial that my eyesight was getting worse.  I had never worn glasses and as I approached forty, I refused to believe that maybe I needed them.  My fiance' convinced me to go to the doctor who informed me that I needed glasses.  Sigh.  Heavy sigh.  So sadly, I began shopping for frames.  What's this?  Could it be?? Yes!!  I have found the cure for my eye bags!!  Glasses whose frames hit right below my eyes and cover those nasty bags!!  I love being blind!  "You should have gotten contacts?  Why didn't you get contacts?" say my friends and co workers.  Why would I do that?  I have found the fountain of youth fools!  If I forget my glasses when I leave the house, I don't worry about whether or not I will see, but rather what everyone else will see;  my age. 

Next trouble spot has nothing to do with age but has been a lifelong issue, my flat chest.  Yeah I said it, I hate having a flat chest.  In a world of breast augmentation and an obsession with D cups or higher, my little B's are often sad and blue.  My mother used to work in retail and would sometimes buy me markdown items, these would sometimes include undergarments.  Once during a visit she informed me that she purchased a bra for me.  I was excited because bras are expensive.  What she produced was a white bra with rainbow hearts on it.  I was 37 years old.  "Don't you like it?" she asked.  "Yeah Mom, when I was 12!!!" This would not have happened were I a D cup.  Recently I was in Victoria's Secret and they had a new bra that claims to increase your bust by 2 cup sizes.  Upon inspection I saw that it was completely stuffed with only a small space of about 2 inches to hold my actual breasts.  It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!!  I have never had cleavage like that!  *Sniff, sniff*  I still get teary-eyed thinking about it.

I always said I would flaunt my wisdom and not hide my age, of course that was before I actually had any wisdom.  If I want to have fake hair, four eyes and pretend boobs then by golly at least I have the wisdom not to spend a lot of money on it!  That is of course, till I win the lottery...

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