Monday, September 27, 2010

In the Name of Beauty...

I remember a time when I used to tell people, "I will NOT color my hair!  Gray hair is a symbol of WISDOM and of a life LIVED.  I will wear it GRACEFULLY!"  Idiot.  That's easy to say when you have no gray hair.  The second I saw that skunk line forming down the middle of my scalp, I was in the hair color aisle debating hazelnut or suede brown.  I know very few people who grow old gracefully, some just generally surrender from exhaustion.

I've tried all kinds of products to try and make me look younger.  My trouble spot is my eyes, they're baggy.  Not just a little tired baggy, but basset hound, Paul McCartney baggy.  I bought a roll-on product that is used daily, didn't work.  Cucumber patches, kinda worked but not really.  Bought an expensive eye cream, clinically proven to reduce lines and wrinkles with a day and night formula.  Liars.  Best thing to happen to my baggy eyes was poor eyesight.  I was in deep denial that my eyesight was getting worse.  I had never worn glasses and as I approached forty, I refused to believe that maybe I needed them.  My fiance' convinced me to go to the doctor who informed me that I needed glasses.  Sigh.  Heavy sigh.  So sadly, I began shopping for frames.  What's this?  Could it be?? Yes!!  I have found the cure for my eye bags!!  Glasses whose frames hit right below my eyes and cover those nasty bags!!  I love being blind!  "You should have gotten contacts?  Why didn't you get contacts?" say my friends and co workers.  Why would I do that?  I have found the fountain of youth fools!  If I forget my glasses when I leave the house, I don't worry about whether or not I will see, but rather what everyone else will see;  my age. 

Next trouble spot has nothing to do with age but has been a lifelong issue, my flat chest.  Yeah I said it, I hate having a flat chest.  In a world of breast augmentation and an obsession with D cups or higher, my little B's are often sad and blue.  My mother used to work in retail and would sometimes buy me markdown items, these would sometimes include undergarments.  Once during a visit she informed me that she purchased a bra for me.  I was excited because bras are expensive.  What she produced was a white bra with rainbow hearts on it.  I was 37 years old.  "Don't you like it?" she asked.  "Yeah Mom, when I was 12!!!" This would not have happened were I a D cup.  Recently I was in Victoria's Secret and they had a new bra that claims to increase your bust by 2 cup sizes.  Upon inspection I saw that it was completely stuffed with only a small space of about 2 inches to hold my actual breasts.  It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!!  I have never had cleavage like that!  *Sniff, sniff*  I still get teary-eyed thinking about it.

I always said I would flaunt my wisdom and not hide my age, of course that was before I actually had any wisdom.  If I want to have fake hair, four eyes and pretend boobs then by golly at least I have the wisdom not to spend a lot of money on it!  That is of course, till I win the lottery...

Monday, September 20, 2010

A New Generation of Gamers...

When I say the word "gamer," most people picture an awkward teenager, sitting in his/her room glued to a television set and feverishly maneuvering the controls OR you may also picture most any man under the age of 35.  There is a new generation of gamers out there and they are more obsessed, more serious than any other generation.  I call it...The Farmville Fiends!!!  If you have a facebook account, you know what I am talking about.  Posting upon posting of bushels of corn for sale, adopt a deer, rewards for composting  everywhere!  Now before I offend anyone I must admit...I too have a farm in Farmville, so I speak from experience.

My farm is AMAZING!  It has a Swiss Chalet, Farmhouse, Library (my avatar likes to read), Schoolhouse (she also believes in higher education), Winery (did I mention she is a lush) and livestock.  I have built a pigpen, dairy barn, nursery barn and horse stable with my own two hands!!  Well, that and several clicks of a mouse.  My winery is thriving...I sell several bottles a day and make quite alot of money.  I try to raise crops that I know people will need to buy for their businesses.  If I'm going to farm I want to be profitable!  Ooops, sorry...I keep forgetting this isn't real.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this game, you plant your crops from seed and harvest when ready.  Sometimes this takes two hours, sometimes two days.  If you do not harvest them in time, they wither and you lose money.  I have almost been late to work harvesting cranberries!  Fiance:  "Baby, aren't you going to be late for work?" Me:  "I'm hurrying, I have to harvest my cranberries for my Sweet Sake!!"  Fiance:  " know that's not real..."  Dang it!!  I keep forgetting!! 

I know Farmville is not real, but surely it's close.  I mean sometimes my hand cramps from clicking those crops to harvest, especially if my Harvester is out of gas and I have to do it buy hand.  Whew!!  Now that is what I call hard work.  Farming is a tough life.

Monday, September 13, 2010

How to Survive College When You're Older Than Your Professors...

I am beginning my second semester back in college.  This is very exciting for me!  I last attended college in 1995, 15 years ago!  I was nervous at first, afraid of failure.  The academics came back to me fairly quickly.  What a relief!  Then I began to notice that all of the professors had gotten younger!  Wait a aren't OLDER!!!!  (pause for screaming in terror) I also noticed that many of my classmates were born the same year I graduated high school, making me old enough to be their mother. (pause for more screaming in terror)  This made me stand out somewhat, instead of being just another sophomore, I am the old chic.  That makes me shiver a little-the old chic.  I cannot deny the fact that I am 20 years older than most of my classmates, nor that I am the same age or older than many of my professors.  What I can do is not add to the stereotype.  I have noted a few survival tips to make me seem less old:

When commenting in class, do not start out a comment with, "When I was your age..."  Not cool.

Just because the professor is the same age as you, does not mean that he/she sees you as an equal.  Do NOT high five them. 

Do not adopt the fashions of the campus females.  They are young and look like an idiot.

Do not get upset with your fellow classmates and their new age political views. They're so cute when they're communists! 

Try to only go up and down stairways when they are full of people. The sound of your knees cracking is just disturbing.

Embrace your inner nerd!  Speak out in class and show the world that middle-aged wisdom!

Just a few tips I have learned, not that I have actually done any of these things...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Wow! I'm getting married...again!

Some people collect knick knacks, some collect stamps, myself...I collect in laws.  This was not an intended hobby, it just happened to find me!   I have 2 father-in-laws, 2 mother-in-laws, 2 brother-in-laws, one sister-in-law and now I am gaining 2 more sister-in-laws.'s uneven.  Somehow I have to find a brother for my fiance'.  I really do not want to get married a fourth time to even out my collection.   What a dilemma!!

I am the first person to make fun of myself regarding my multiple marriages.  I feel it puts people at ease regarding the subject.  I always pictured myself as the girl who would marry in her early 20's, have 2 kids and a dog (picket fence optional), and live happily ever after rocking my years away on the front porch with my wrinkled little husband.  Didn't quite happen that way.  I cannot totally blame the ex husbands for the failures either. Well, I could I guess but that would not be fair.  Fact is, in both my marriages, the only common denominator is me.  I played my part; I fully admit it.  I did gain something from those experiences.  First and foremost, I gained two beautiful children who fill my heart with a love that is unexplained unless you have children.  Secondly, I have gained wisdom.  I have learned more about myself...who I am and what I want in this life.  My hope is that this will prepare me for this upcoming life change.  I hope that my past failures lead me to a great success.

My fiance' asked me to marry him a week ago.  I have already picked out the colors, my dress, the type of flowers I want, a general idea of the reception menu, and the wedding court.  We are looking for a place to get married and someone to officiate.  Is officiate the right term?  Sounds a little like a ballgame.  People think that I have been planning all along, but I have not.  The engagement was a complete surprise.  Fact is, when you have been married as many times as I have, it is easier to pick out what you have not used as opposed to what you are going to use!  Actually, my 7 year old daughter and I sat down and talked about it.  She picked out the colors and the do NOT tell me it is difficult planning a wedding because I will quickly tell you that even a 7 year old can do it!   My son is going to give me away and my daughter is going to be my maid of honor.  Every time I picture this I get a bit misty eyed, I cannot believe I am this blessed.

They say third time's charm.  Maybe there is something to that, but I don't think so.  I think it just took us a little longer to find each other.  I think we had things to work out in our lives first, things to heal from and grow from.  I love this man with everything in my heart and I am marrying him for all of the right reasons.  So what if my collection is gives it character!