Monday, December 31, 2012

Here We Go Again...

Another year has come and gone.  Now's the time for reflection, plans, and promises.  Last year I said I wanted to be nicer.  Damn...that lasted about a day.  Maybe some people keep their resolutions.  Maybe there is a beautiful place where everyone quits smoking and cussing while they lose ten pounds. such thing.  That's just crazy talk.  We all break our resolutions but they are nice things to consider.  This year is going to be different though.  This year I plan on making resolutions I KNOW I can keep.

Eat plenty of chocolate - This year I shall eat enough chocolate to keep me happy.  In these tough economic times I promise to do what I can to support Hershey's and cocoa farmers. 

Have more sex - Yeah I said it!!  And I can too...I'm married you little prudes.  This should be a standard resolution for everyone...well unless you're a perv or something...then you should probably slow down.

Eat red meat - I feel like we should do what we can to control the cow population.  If we don't eat them we shall be over run by cows in the streets...destruction will ensue.  Tragedy I tell you.  Tragedy!!!  More steak and hamburgers!  I am doing it for humanity.

Make fun of stupid people - I mean really, this is just entertaining. 

Exercise more - HA!  Only kidding, wanted to make sure you were paying attention.

Now it's time to ring in the new year with my new goals.  Let's hear it for Auld Lang Syne!!

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas Past...

This year at Christmas, I am spending Christmas Day alone.  The kids are at their dad's, my husband is working a twelve hour shift, 7 a.m. till 7 p.m.  I am left here doing clean up and watching "A Christmas Story" over and over again.  Sounds more depressing than it is I guess.  We had our Christmas on the 23rd and spent yesterday just enjoying the loot and relaxing.  The kids need a do-nothing day with all of the traveling they have to do this time of year.  Mom's, dad's, grandparents', stepfamilies'...its a lot, that's for sure!  I am thankful that everywhere they go they are loved, blood relation or not.  But I must admit, I long for a traditional Christmas like I enjoyed when I was a kid.  Being alone today is certainly making me a bit nostalgic.

When I was growing up, we went to visit our grandparents the weekend before Christmas.  They lived about an hour away and did not carry on like we do today.  Granny Adams had ten children and my mother was the baby.  So Granny was older and didn't cook a big meal, but she always had biscuits and gravy left over when we visited.  I have never been able to find biscuits and gravy that tasted like hers...mmmmmmm.  She cooked with lard and on a wood burning stove, so I'm sure I will never find that again.  She also had a gazillion grandkids and great grandkids, not to mention a bunch of children of her own; so she did not buy presents.  We didn't care.  I just loved being there with her.  She always greeted us at the door with a hug and a big kiss.  Her knees did not bend well so she had trouble walking.  Her skin was a beautiful shade of brown from years of working out in the garden.  Her hair was always up in a bun.  It looked salt and pepper gray but when she took it down to comb it, it was long and black with one gray stripe down the side.  Beautiful.  She wore a house dress with a full apron, every time we saw her.  I still hold her in the same esteem I might hold Mother Teresa.  I miss her so.

My Mamaw Bush always had a present for us.  She had a total of four grandchildren so it was easier for her.  I always loved her gifts but most of all, I loved her laugh.  She had a great laugh.  She was no Mother Teresa either, full of spunk and sass.  As much as I would like to say I take after my Granny with her easy going ways, I am definitely my Mamaw Bush's granddaughter!  Bridling that tongue would be like taming the wildest of broncos...not going to happen.  I loved to hear her stories, because they always produced that wonderful, wonderful laugh.  Missing her today.

My mother always decked the house out for Christmas.  Today, her trees seem so regal.  Filled with beautiful ornaments and memories that she has collected  over a lifetime.  As a child, we would drape the doorways with plastic holly garland.  The tree held felt angels, deer, and Santas with silver garland and was lit up by large colored bulbs that were hot to the touch.  During the season, we would go to my grandmother's and get pine that Mom would weave into a wreath and garland for the porch.  It was magic!  I always thought that Santa's house looked much like ours.  On Christmas Eve, we were allowed to open two gifts.  The first was our Christmas pajamas and secondly was my brother and I's gift to each other.  We hung our stockings before going to bed.  I had the same stocking my entire childhood.  It was red felt with a white cuff and had a Santa holding gifts with a sign that read, "Merry Christmas."  Mom sewed my name on the cuff and I thought it looked AWESOME!  I loved that stocking and still love it today.  It is boxed up somewhere at my mother's house but it still survives...somewhere. 

Christmas morning was full of excitement!  We got out of bed at the break of dawn and woke my tired parents.  We ripped open our gifts and were elated with our bounty.  We rarely received toys throughout the year which made Christmas so much more special.  We never cried over not liking our gifts, it was unheard of.  After gifts, Mom made a huge Christmas breakfast with eggs and ham from Christmas dinner the day before.  It was delicious!  At some point during the day, I would find time to be in the living room alone, look up at the star (or angel, depending on the year) and say aloud, "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus."  I don't know if my parents ever saw me do that and I never told anyone that until now.  Christmas was so simple back then, so traditional.

Today I still love Christmas, but it is so much more complicated.  Maybe it is partly due to looking at it through the eyes of an adult instead of a child.  My kids live in two homes and have not had a traditional Christmas for about seven years now.  They have their scheduled visits with both parents and several family functions to attend.  And the gifts...oh my the gifts!!  They get so much!  They are great kids though and seem to appreciate what they receive from everyone.  They love all of their family and are loved and accepted everywhere they go.  I hope that they are able to feel the magic of Christmas as I did as a child.  I hope there is still that spark of wonder...

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Technology Is Waaaay Cool...

Well, I'm back.  It has been awhile since I have written in my blog.  Did you miss me?  See it was like computer crashed and the monitor was going bad and beyond repair.  My husband's computer works, but did not support the program the blog uses for me to update it.  It was very frustrating during the election.  MAN I had some good stuff! Oh well, I'll save it in the archives of my brain along with birthdays and grocery dang, it's gone.  Good news is we purchased a new computer!  This thing is AMAZING!  It has Windows 8 which is awesome and new or something and as soon as my 12 year old son comes home, I am hoping he will show me how it works.  The screen is as big as a TV screen which is great right now because I can make these letters HUGE and can actually see them.  Who would have thought??  Supposedly this thing has a touch screen...I tried to advance my page and knocked over my glass of wine. (google stain removal later)  Guess I need to read up more on that.  I haven't figured out how to type on a document yet...I guess there is a generic program in there somewhere, I'd look for it but I'm afraid of knocking my wine over again.  I have Microsoft Office somewhere that I could install.  I think it is somewhere near my birthday and grocery list and by my election material.  Geez!  Am I going to be one of those old people at the library taking a computer class??   I used to know this stuff man!  I was taught word processing on a Radio Shack Tandy dammit!!  And yes, we called it word processing, don't ask.  Oh no...will I have to start writing on notebook paper?  With a pen??  Noooooooooo!  Ok, I gotta calm down.  I can learn this.  Technology is my friend, technology is my friend... Anyway, technology is waaay cool now, just wish I was!   

Friday, September 14, 2012

Interview Questions That I Hate...

Looking for a new job is taxing to say the least.  I really dislike the entire process, especially filling out applications...Yuck!!  But eventually, all of the time you have put into your resume' and your job application pays off and you are called for an interview...Yes!!  Personally, I prepare for an interview by thinking of possible interview questions and how I could possibly answer them...or should I I could possibly fabricate an answer that seems somewhat truthful.  Don't judge me!  You know you do it too!  I mean let's get real, some of these questions are just ridiculous.  For example...

Question:  How do you handle a policy change in your company that you do not agree with or like? 
The right answer would probably be...I would go to my superior and ask questions and try to better understand the policy...or...I really feel I am flexible with change and roll with the punches.
Truth:  I complain in the breakroom with everyone else until I finally just get used to it and accept it.

Question:  Tell me how you handled a difficult or unhappy client?
This one isn't so bad because most of us can pull an example where a successful ending came into play and an angry/unhappy client walked away satisfied. never share the...
Truth:  I told him I am not arguing with you anymore about this, that's the rule, stop cussing at me, I do not get paid enough for that!!

Question:  How do you handle working with a difficult coworker?
The right answer would probably be that I try to find a common ground or I make sure I am being helpful and offering support.
Truth:  I tell them to get their ass back to their desk or I will go in the breakroom and spit on their lunch!!

Question:  What is your favorite animal and why?
This was an actual questioned that a friend of mine was asked in an interview.  I have no idea what the right answer would be but there are several answers to be had...
Truth:  I like pythons because they choke their prey.  I like tigers because they eat their prey.  I like cats because they are quiet and can sneak up on people.  I like birds because they can poop on people's heads...seriously I could go on forever.

Question:  What is your greatest weakness?
My favorite answer that I have heard is, "I really can't think of any right now."  That one is golden!  Probably the best answer would be something about how you are too hard on yourself or that you could always be more organized, blah, blah, blah...
Truth:  When I get stressed out, a fountain of cuss words flow from my mouth that can only be rivaled by the oldest sailor at the darkest dock.

Be honest in your interviews...but much like my husband's selective.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Misadventures of Being Married to a Crackhead

Let me start by saying my husband, Mike, has been sober for almost 7 years.  I did not know him when he was an addict/alcoholic, nor would I have wanted to.  I have always known the man who devotes his life to helping other people recover from their addiction with his own life experiences, positive attitude and sense of humor. I would, however, be remiss in saying that I am not aware of the fact that addiction is a disease and all recovering addicts live with the possibility of a relapse if they become lax in their "program."  With that said, hence goes my story...

I am getting ready for work the other morning and am preparing my clothes for the day.  I do not iron.  I refuse to iron.  In short, I hate ironing.  So every morning, I fluff my clothes in the dryer.  On this particular morning I go to put my clothes in the dryer and find that Mike has left a load in there.  I pull his clothes out (yes my husband does his own laundry) and place mine in, turn it on, and walk away.  I return to the familiar sound of "chunga-chunk, chunga-chunk," probably a coin left in my pocket.  I remove my clothes and find the culprit...a small, mis-shapen white rock and a clear baggy.  What the heck is this??  I remove it and study it...Oh my, ohmygod, ohmygod!!!!  Is this crack?  It looks like crack...ohmygod...what do I do??  Well first I look around my laundry room like some wise man is going to appear and advise me.  Ok Lisa, calm down.  I have never seen crack before except in episodes of "Cops,"  maybe I am overreacting.  I go to my computer and google "Images of crack cocaine."  I am hoping that there is no one monitoring my computer searches, otherwise they will find Buddhism, museums in Frankfort, Ky., and images of crack cocaine...I obviously need to be separated from society.  I look at the pictures...oh my, ohmygod, ohmygod!  This looks just like CRACK!!!!  Now what????  How could Mike have relapsed??  We still have money in the bank??  My son's XBox is still in his room?? He came home last night????  How could this be?????  I will confront him.  Yes, that is what I must do.  I go to the bedroom where he is sleeping and hold out my hand with the rock in it, "Mike, what is this?"  He looks at it curiously...picks it up and licks it.  "DON'T LICK IT!!!"  Can't you die from that???  He hands it back to me..."It's peppermint."  WHAT????  I lick it...oh is peppermint.  Heh, heh...peppermint...imagine that.  Guess I better go hit an Al-Anon husband is obviously smoking peppermint...

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Blind Date Horror Story...

I hate blind dates.  The problem with blind dates is you go on a date and wish to GOD you were blind…and deaf…and numb…ugh!  Worst blind date ever; I mean EVER!  A friend of mine fixed me up with a fella from a prominent family, good breeding.  I thought, “Why not?  What could go wrong?”  Oh, just read on.   He arrives at my doorstep, dumpy and balding.  Let me explain first that I have no issue with baldness, baldness can be very sexy.  Allowing those fuzzball things going down the side of your head…not so much.  As I was saying, he arrives at my doorstep not so attractive.  We go to dinner and I spend the next hour listening to story after story about how horrible his ex wife was and how badly she treated him during his divorce.  Strike one.  He then begins to talks about his career.  Normally this would include something to the effect of, “I went to college and majored in (insert major here) then I went to work at (insert company here)  I now am at (again, insert company here) and (love/hate) it…blah, blah, blah.”  I could not get that lucky.  My date begins to talk about how he got into the computer business.  First, he was going to college where he was on the library computer, his friend had hacked a bank and he had hacked the Pentagon.  FBI came in and took them into custody, they interrogated them and then gave them the choice…go to jail or work for them.   His friend took the deal but him…no he held out.  That’s hot.  He decided to work on a contract basis because, as you know, this is how the FBI works.  They’re such wimps.  This begins the adventure otherwise known as his imaginary career.  When the U.S. is in need…when they have nowhere to turn…they go to HIM.  Oh yes, don’t you doubt this…helicopters have met him at his home where he has climbed that infamous rope ladder (you know, like you see in the movies) and has been whisked away to Washington D.C. to save my ass.  Don’t you doubt that!  He’s a hero dang it!  Other times a private plane has met him at the local army depot to take him straight to the president to save our butts…yes, I had the opportunity to meet this man.  Don’t hate…appreciate.  You would think I would stop there and say that he went home, I never saw him again, and life went on.  Oh no.  It gets better.  After he tells me of his career adventures, I get to hear of his medical ailments.  God help me.   You see, he is diabetic.  If there is a cure for diabetes, by golly, he will be there.  He is the subject of a controversial drug that has some serious side effects.  You see, if he takes this medication, the side effect is death.  If he stops the medication, he will die.  Wow.  That is what you call being stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Sucks to be you.  The good news is, the other side effect is dry orgasms so he is now 100% sterile.  No lie, this is our first and ONLY date.  I have spent the entire evening with a spy who has no sperm count.  It’s a wonder I’m not a lesbian…