Sunday, November 21, 2010

Christmas Carols for this Week's Shopping...

The Christmas shopping season is getting ready to go full swing!!!  This is the time of year for peace and good will toward men...but who are we kidding?  It's every shopper for themselves!!!  Get my parking spot and might poke your eye out!!!  To survive the season, I'm going to share a couple of Christmas carols that you can hum to some of your favorite tunes...

To be sung to the tune of "Joy to the World,"

No Joy at the Stores

Here come the nuts, the sales have begun!
Let crazies roam the stores!!

Let every mom, fight other mom's
for the last Pillow Pet in the store
or the last XBox in the store,

or she'll beat her up
with her Gucci purse!

This next one is to be sung to the Elvis Presley song, "Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me,"

Santa Bring My Credit Back to Me

Santa bring my credit back to me,
Santa bring my credit back to me...

I need alot of presents
to do my family right,

or they will never speak to me
or let me sleep at night.

Ohhh Santa, if you please--
Santa extend some credit out to meeeeeeee...

Santa bring my credit back to,me,
Santa bring my credit back to me...

The toy list's getting longer
longer every day,

"Santa ain't made of money!"
is all that I can say.

Ohhhhh Santa, if you please,
Santa extend some credit out to meeeeeeee...

Santa bring my credit back to me,
Santa bring my credit back to me.

Hopefully these little ditties will help you get through this season of pushing and shoving and name calling...and that's just while you're trying to leave your house!!!  Good Luck!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Life's Constants...

There are certain constants in life. Undeniable things that will NEVER change...

The sun will always rise in the east and set in the west. We won’t wake up one day and say, “Hey! The sun is rising in the north! What the hell…”

We will all pay taxes. We will all die. Some of us will die paying taxes.

Men will always enjoy passing you in the hall naked and going "Woo Woo!" as they shake their privates at you.

Cat turds will always stink and dogs, for God knows what reason, will always sneak and eat them. I will never understand that…I mean…I sneak off and eat a bag of Doritos sometimes but you won’t see me sneak to the bathroom and grab snack! Yuck! Worst part is, we let them lick our face. We’re such suckers…yet another constant.

Old people will always drive slow and young people will always drive fast…and my mother will always push the imaginary brake on the passenger side floorboard. SERIOUSLY!!!! You can’t make the car stop Mom!!!! Just like throwing your right arm across us when you slammed on the brakes was NOT going to keep us from going through the windshield. Let GM add THAT to their safety features!

Boobs will always fall with age unless they are fake…in which case…I hate you. Young women are always going to be a cruel reminder of what used to be…in which case…I hate them too. Some women are a size D cup or above…I also hate you. But I’m getting sidetracked…flat chested women are bitter…that is another constant.

It's nice to know that some things never change...I like stability...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Hell Hath No Fury as Me in the Traffic Line at School

My family makes so much fun of me regarding my road rage.  I admit it fully that I suffer from this issue.  I can be in a perfectly good mood when some idiot cuts me off and I am ready to ring his/her neck!  STUPID DRIVER!!! GET OFF THE ROAD!!  Oh, I'm sorry...I forgot myself for a minute.  I don't think that I am alone in this problem.  We all seem to be short fused these days with all of the hustle and bustle going on in our lives.  Road rage is not the only time we may show our frustrations.  There are other triggers that may cause some of our hissie fits.  I thought maybe we would look at a few of them:

Road Rage:  This is the easiest situation for me to lose my temper, probably because no one can hear what I say.  I'm not one of those crazy people that gets out of their car and starts a fight...I just sit cowardly in my car and mouth off.  The thing that sets me off more than anything else is the traffic line at my kids school in the morning when I drop them off.  AAAAARRRGH!!!  The rule is; pull up to the end of the sidewalk so that ten cars can unload as opposed to dropping them off at the door so that two can.  This is not hard to understand!!!!  In April, parents will still be doing this.  Why must you torment me!!!??? 

Shopping Cart Rage:  Ever walked down the aisle of a supermarket only to find it blocked by some lady who has parked her cart in the middle and is standing beside it taking her own sweet time reading the nutrition facts on a box of Wheat Thins?  MOVE!!!!  You know what lady?  When you get home you aren't going to care what those Wheat Thins are totally gonna binge on a box of Chips Ahoy so just get out of my way and go get your cookies!!!  My usual response is an obnoxiously loud, "Excuse me!" then I grab my cookies and go on my way...grumbling of course.

Lazy Family Rage:  You are busily straightening the house, doing laundry, dusting, vacuuming, the works.  You look up only to find that the kids are playing video games and your husband is watching the game.  Unbelievable!!!  The tirade that soon follows is best said behind closed doors.  I usually like to inform my family that without me they would probably starve and drowned in their own filth!  They tend to go on about their relaxing while I am now cleaning vigorously due to the increase in adrenaline.  How do they always WIN!!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...

These are just a few of the rages that I have observed.  There are many more but I'm afraid if I list them, my sanity might come into question...