Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's Resolution? Be Nice...

It's that time of year again...a new year means new ideas.  So what shall it be this year...hmmmmm...lose weight?  Organize?  What???  Well I would like to lose a pound or two and who couldn't be more organized?  I would also like to do more writing and read more...BUT...what will be my New Year's Resolution!? nice.  You would think that being nice is easy but unfortunately...its not!  It is SO difficult!  I lose count in a day how many people I call "idiot" when I'm driving down the road.  I wish I could say I drive a long commute to work but alas...I live 10 minutes away!  Ugh!  Most of my fit happens sitting in the line at school to drop off my daughter!  I think I need to be medicated. God be with you if I happen to get hungry.  I will punch a person in the face if my sugar level drops!  Starvation and a boxing ring and I may have a new career!  (considers this for a moment)

Being nice isn't just a problem for me, it seems to be a problem for society in general.  Don't act so know what I'm talking about.  We want what we want and we want it now!  We use to have to cook for hours to prepare a meal.  Now we can stick it in the microwave and have it ready in three and a half minutes but at two we are screaming, "Hurry up!!!!  ARGH!"  We used to have phones attached to walls...remember those?  Not only that, they had a rotary dial!  It took days to make a call...Heaven help you if your number had 9's in it.  NO ONE is calling you!  Now we have phones that we carry in our pocket, access the internet, send written messages instantly and we are pissed cause we can't get a call in the middle of the wilderness in a rainstorm.  So don't judge me...we could all stand to be a little nicer... 

Friday, December 23, 2011

Handy Uses for Ex Husbands...

You might ask, "Wow.  I have this ex husband on my hands and well...he's kind of getting in the way.  What can I do?  Should I recycle?"  Don't just let him stand there in the middle of your life collecting bitterness...get some good use out of him!  There's plenty of ways to make that ex husband of yours as handy as your favorite spatula!

Doorstop - Who couldn't use a doorstop?  We ALL could!  Let the sunshine in and set that heavy little burden against that door.  You can even brighten him up with a little glitter or even rhinestones!

Hammer - Need to hang a picture on your wall but can't find your hammer?  No worries!!  Your ex husband's head is so hard you can use it to beat those nails right into the wall.  Wow!!  Now THAT is useful!!! 

Mailbox - Did those pesky kids tear up your mailbox again?  That's ok...set your ex husband out by the curb and use HIM as your mailbox!  His mouth is so can even hold UPS packages.  Amazing!!

Fertilizer - Wishing you had red ripe tomatoes like grandma?  Have your ex husband stand in the middle of your garden and watch!  He is so full of shit your tomatoes will start winning ribbons at the fair!  Yum!

Coat Rack - Stop hanging your coat on the back of your kitchen chair!  Just place your ex husband in the corner of your living room or breezeway and throw that coat right over his head.  Doesn't that look better?  Why yes it does!

So many uses...try some of these at home and see what you think!