Didn't Expect to Say That!!

I cannot remember a time when I did not want to be a mother.  I have always wanted children, ALWAYS.  I used to dream of what they would look like, what there personalities would be.  I could imagine sitting on a beautiful porch, me sitting peacefully reading while my children sat and played quietly and pet our well-behaved dog...ok, I had an active imagination.  Point is, I knew I wanted to be a mom, so there.  The days my kids were born were two of the happiest days of my life.  Looking down at those sweet little faces and having so much to look forward to!  What I didn't expect were some of the things that have actually come out of my mouth.  I never expected to say THAT!!!  Things like:

Come here and give me that booger.

Stop a second I need to pick your nose.

Your clothes are inside-out.  (Actually I did say this at a party once)

Underwear does not go on your head. (Wait, I said that at a party too)

Keep your penis in your pants. (Ok I may have said that to my first husband)

Oh my God!!!  My son just peed in his mouth!!!  (He was an infant, don't freak out)

Do you need me to wipe your butt?

Yeah, being a mom certainly has its surprises and interesting moments.  But even with all the nose picking and butt wiping...it's all good...

I Think I'll Write a Book...

I'm thinking I would like to write the great American novel...I mean I AM a great American, right?  I'm thinking that the trick to writing a book is to write about something that is complete fantasy, something so out of your element that you can feel free to get carried away in the moment.  Here are some of my ideas...

I could write about a woman who grows up in a small town and gets married a bunch of times only to find love during her midlife to someone unexpected.  They could get married in the end and...oh wait a minute...

Ok here's one...I could write about a woman who after having two kids is struggling with the size of her own butt.  It could be a sci-fi flick where the butt actually takes over the entire town and the National Guard is called in...you're right that may be too close to home as well.

Maybe a children's book!  I could write about two kids who bicker until their mother has to pull over to the side of the road turn around and wave her finger at them as she yells while her eyes bug out.  Oh, you must have seen me out on the road the other day...sorry...

This is harder than I expected.  It's difficult to not get too personally involved in your fictional story.  I got it!!!!

I will write a book about a super model who has millions of dollars.  Although she has the perfect body; butt is not too big...boobs not too small, she is not required to rely on her beauty for she has the IQ of a genius.  Her children think she is always right and agree with everything she says.  They never bicker but instead compliment each other and help each other with their homework and chores.  She has pets but they never stink.  Their doggy breath smells like mint.  Her husband says he loves her even more when she has PMS.  Hmmmmmmm...kind of boring.  I think I need to add some explosions or an ax murderer or something...