Friday, December 31, 2010

Resolutions, Smesolutions...

This time of year, most of us sit back and reflect on changes we would like to make in our lives. We then perform the age old tradition of making our "New Year's Resolution" to make a promise to ourselves that we will carry through with them. I think we should examine and decipher what we REALLY mean when we make our resolutions...

Resolution: I want to lose twenty pounds this year.
Truth: I want to discover a pill that will make me lose twenty pounds in a week this year.

Resolution: I want to exercise more and tone and strengthen my muscles.
Truth:  I will buy exercise equipment.  I will sit on the couch and watch some
exercise programs then I will sit on the couch and watch Law & Order using
my exercise equipment as a laundry utensil.
Resolution:  I want to be a nicer person.
Truth:  I will keep my middle finger in the proper place while driving.
Resolution:  I want to stop smoking.
Truth:  I will hide in the bathroom and on the back porch and smoke until
January 10th, then I will puff like the freight train I was meant to be.
Resolution:  I want to be more fiscally responsible.
Truth:  I will say no to super size at McDonalds, well until January 10th anyway.
Enjoy your New Year's resolutions for as long as they last whether it be January 10th or the more disciplined, January 11th...braggers.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Twas the Last Shopping Night Before Christmas...

Twas the last shopping night before Christmas and all through the stores,
All the shoppers were scurrying and buying in hords.

People were grouchy and credit cards were full,
Definite signs that it's time for the yule!

Ma had her egg nog and I, beer on tap,
We were exhausted, our energy sapped.

When out in the driveway we heard such a clatter,
We staggered to the window to see what was the matter!

Unexpected family arrived at our door,
More gifts!!  NO! No more!!!

We turned out the lights and hid under the table,
We should be hospitable but just were not able.

They kept hitting the doorbell, it rang and it rang.
Surely they will go away...DANG!

They turned and they got back into their car,
Oh please let them go far.

Then we exclaimed as they drove away in their Rover,
We should have been Jewish, heck Hanukkah is over!!!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Busy,busy, busy...

With the Christmas season at full peak, it reminds of the busyness of our lives.  It seems we just don't have time for anything anymore.  No one visits or even knows their neighbors and our hands would probably fall off if we tried to write a letter.  Our lives are filled with so much to must be that we are doing extremely important things...filling our days with such constructive activities that we MUST be changing our world for the better.  Three hours of facebook is very important to...uh...well...our...uh...gimme a second.  It's important for socialization, yeah that's it!!!  I mean remember when we used to visit people and talk on the front porch?  Suckers.  And who has time to clean our house and take care of yard work when there is a Law & Order marathon on????  We have to take time for that!!!  Law & Order is educational...that is EXACTLY what it's like in the real world, especially in a small town like Winchester!  You want me to volunteer??!!  WHAT!!!!  Did you not see that UK is playing???? Idiot.  We're too busy to cook, instead we fix our food in a microwave and yell, "Hurry up!!!!"  There is no time to wait!  I have to update my status before Law & Order comes on!!!  I'm busy!!   

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Our Biggest Fears...

All of us are afraid of something.  I have heard that the most common fear is speaking in public, the second is the fear of death.  I guess this means many people would rather die than speak in public.  Hmmmm, something to think about.  My daughter is afraid of bugs, especially spiders.  I had a neighbor who was deathly afraid of snakes.  A male friend of mine was terrified of clowns...Ronald McDonald approached him at an assembly he was attending with his children and he threatened to punch him.  Now THAT is fear! 

I can honestly say that none of those fears are my greatest one.  I do hate snakes, but hate mice more.  Clowns are kind of creepy but I can't say that they scare me.  I NEVER mind speaking, be it private or public and I am quite content with my life after death.  Spiders and bugs do not phase me.  What am I afraid of you ask?  One thing...ONE can send shivers down my spine and make my blood turn cold.  One thing can give me nightmares at night and wake me in terror...laundry!

Laundry is the most evil, most detestable curse placed on the human race.  It never EVER ends!!  EVER!!!  I throw the clothes in the washer, put them in the dryer while another load goes in the washer.  The load is dry so I put them in the hamper to fold and then...AAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!  They never get folded!  There is always an interruption or distraction and then there are two loads to fold then three until I am staring at the foot of Mt. Never-rest!  I cannot tell you how many curse words have been mumbled from my lips while trying to find something to wear in the morning in this pile of death!  There is no greater feeling of relief than to tame this savage have all of the laundry folded and put away, everything in its place.  Doesn't that feel good?  Ahh yes, until you open the dryer and find...(blood curdling scream)...MORE LAUNDRY!!!   (shiver)

I think I will sleep with the light on tonight...the world just isn't safe.