Friday, May 22, 2015

Happy Mommyversary! Shut up, it's a word...

Today is my Mommyversary!!  *crowd cheers*applause* Others may call it my oldest son Lucas' birthday...actually I think that is what they are all calling it. Fifteen years ago today, I became a mother.  Mom is the title that I will keep regardless of my age, regardless of where I live, regardless of what I do for a living.  What do you do?  I am a banker and a mom.  I am an office manager and a mom.  I am a rock star and a mom.  I am Iron Man...and a mom.  No matter what, I am eternally bound to that title.  The title, however, does come with it's perks.  As a mother,  you can always outdo your coworkers,

Mom:  "Last night was horrible." 
Random Coworker:  "Aw man I didn't get any sleep last night either. *whine*" 
Mom:  "Really?  Really??  Did your three year old throw up on you? Huh??"
Random Coworker:  "  You,"

When you look horrible with bags under your eyes and greasy hair, there is always an excuse.  Yes I do look terrible.  I'm a mom. *understanding nod* Then they walk away believing that underneath my exhaustion lies a supermodel. Maybe DEEP underneath, come to think of it I may just have a magazine with a supermodel in it.  Close enough, you get the point.

When you become a mother, intuition kicks in and you know exactly what to do, right?  Wrong. Motherhood is an adventure of trial and error.  That's the funny thing about your first kid, you try so hard to do everything right and you mess up SO many times, but then when the second one comes along, they pretty much eat dirt.  Well not really but you are definitely more relaxed.  Poor Lucas has survived me crying as I plunged out a clogged toilet, asking him every ten minutes if he is ok when he is running a fever, and numerous claims that he is going to get pneumonia if... Side note, he has never had pneumonia, probably because I have aided him in eluding it so well.  Lucas was also able to survive the First Thanksgiving Diaper Tragedy of 2000.  Yeah it actually has a title.  Baby boys are a funny thing when it comes to diaper changing.  Their, shall we say, plumbing, allows them to pee in so many fun directions. Sometimes on the wall, on your shirt, in your face, it's quite an adventure. I was at my parents' house for Thanksgiving and Lucas was six months old.  We had just finished dinner and I took him back to change his diaper.  We are cooing and talking and I am placing his new diaper underneath him.  I lift him up to slide the diaper in place when with the aim of Wyatt Earp, he shoots a stream of pee bulls eye...right into his MOUTH!  I am horrified!!!  I look at my new baby with terror in my eyes.  What do I do??!!  I grab Lucas and run into the dining room screaming, "Lucas has peed in his mouth!!!  What do I do??"  My family stares at me as if I have grown a horn in the middle of my head.  "C'mon people!  What do I DOOOOOOO???"  My brother looks at me nonchalantly, "I think it's ok as long as he drinks his own pee.  You just aren't supposed to drink someone else's pee."  What???  "You people are useless."  I grab the phone and call Poison Control, "Poison control what is your emergency?"  "Yes my son is six months old and has just peed in his mouth!"  Laughter.  The poison control lady was laughing.  That was when I realized...I might...just maybe...have overreacted. She calmed herself down and asked me about his overall health, etc.  She assured me that he was going to be fine.  Then she thanked me, "for making her holiday."  Yep...glad I could help.

Lucas aka Wyatt Earp
He seems surprised by his aim.

Being a mom is certainly not glamorous, and it's not always pretty.  There is a lot of spontaneous fluids those first few years so you should probably wear a poncho.  There have been major embarrassments and major triumphs, but every day I am thankful.  Thankful to be the not-so-perfect-but-God-knows-I-try mom of two pretty amazing kids.  Today I will celebrate that little pee shooter turning 15 as I look up at him now instead of carrying him on my hip.  But today I will also celebrate the heralding of my most beloved  

Lucas, Mackenzie and I,
much less spontaneous fluid.

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