Don't Make Me Style Your Hair!

I have to admit, I am a hot-tempered little lass.  I can spew anger and hatefulness like a fountain flowing freely from my mouth.  This leads people to believe that I have been in my share of hair pulling brawls...nah.  I have never been in a fight, in fact, I'm quite the chicken in some ways.  I make sure all of the doors are locked at night.  I lock the doors of my car...just in case.  When walking thru a dark parking lot, my finger is always on my alarm button.  If Mike works an overnight, my trusty pistol lies lovingly on my nightstand.  My moment of greatest vulnerability, however, is taking a shower when I am home alone.  Anthony Perkins in the movie "Psycho" will forever be ingrained in my memory.  *shiver* I always make sure the bathroom door is locked and I have to admit I occasionally peek out of the shower curtain, just to make sure an ax murderer did not sneak in while I was soaping up my hair.  A girl can never be too careful...

The other morning I was home alone and showering, behind locked doors of course, when I heard three loud thumps; it sounded like someone tripping and catching themselves on the wall.  I froze.  What do I do?  I'm in the bathroom!  The pistol is in the bedroom!  Oh...my...GAWD!!!  I turned the water off and jumped out dripping wet. There's no time to dry off, I gotta go kill a guy.  I grab my robe.  Have you ever put on a fleece robe soaking wet?  I jerked and tugged and wrestled with it until I think I dislocated my shoulder.  Then...I select my weapon.  I got it!  Hairspray.  Will I bop him over the head with it, knocking my assailant unconscious.  No.  I shall spray him in his eyes till he is blind, grab his gun with silencer (I'm sure he knows better than to come at me with less) and pistol whip that boob until he cries for his mother.  That or I will style his hair like no other.  I open the door quickly so as to catch him off guard, hairspray in hand.  Dripping wet, shoulder aching, hairspray can rusting beneath my sweaty grip, I find the culprit.  Stupid cat.  I put away the hairspray and finish my shower.  Note to self...purchase terry robe...

For Better or Worse, In Sickness and In Health...

Finally!  Today is the first day in the last four I have felt at least a little like myself.  The fog is lifting from four days of sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head fever, good Lord I wish I could rest funk!  It was miserable, but I have to say, my husband Mike took very good care of me.  He took care of things while I was down, prepared food for the kids, ran the errands, overall a regular Fred Nightingale.  I am quite positive, that when he repeated his vows, he did not truly grasp the "for better or worse...in sickness and in health" part.  I'm not sure any of us really think about that when we get married, we are just in luuuuuuuuv.  Now obviously, sickness carries far deeper implications than my last four days of SnotFest 2013.  But the fact of the matter is, after what Mike witnessed over the last week, he will eventually have to have sex with me again.  I had a consistent stream of disgusting liquids coming out of most of my facial orifices, surrounded by used white chunks of toilet paper...otherwise referred to as redneck tissues.  I sat with my mouth gaped open (since I can't breathe through my nose) and my eyes half closed.  The bags underneath my eyes drooped down to my boobs and my skin was the color of blech.  I bathed, well once...and brushed my teeth...I think.  My nose, lips, and surrounding skin were so chapped that I slathered my face in Vaseline petroleum jelly...shiny!  I have been coughing continuously soooooooooo, yep...peed my pants...a LOT!  Last night I drug my shiny faced, greasy headed, nasty breath, b.o. smellin sick self to bed coated in Vick's Vapor Rub.  Wrapped up like a menthol lyptus mummy, I snored like an old man...but Mike still loves me.  Eventually the last few days images will fade away and he will find me desirable again because that's the promise we made to each other.  As gross as you may be, I will still have sex with you... The institute of marriage is a beautiful thing!

Inauguration Day, History in the Making...

Once again we are observing another inauguration, the 44th president of the United States has been sworn in with a public inauguration on Martin Luther King Day.  Wow.  How symbolic is THAT??  I never thought in my lifetime I would see an African American President be sworn in once, much less for a second term...then on top of that to be sworn in on MLK Day.  Amazing!  I can only imagine what Dr. King would have thought of all of this.  He believed that this would happen within 40 years.  He BELIEVED that??  He was right!!  What a historic moment! 

President Barack Obama will use two bibles, one belonging to Abraham Lincoln and one belonging to Martin Luther King Jr.  As symbolic as this is, I find it interesting that the use of a bible is not a requirement but merely a tradition.  Two presidents chose not to use the bible in their inauguration... John Quincy Adams and Theodore Roosevelt.  It is uncertain why Roosevelt chose not to, however Adams made it clear as to why he chose differently.  President John Quincy Adams, a religious man, chose to use instead a U.S. book of laws.  He said that he, "wanted to demonstrate that he recognized a barrier between church and state and that his loyalty was to our nation's laws above all else." (www.cnn.com)  I LOVE this!!!  I am a huge supporter in the separation of church and state.  Many of my church friends will not agree, but I feel that you cannot run a country based on the beliefs of ONE religion, Christianity.  The Christian faith may be my faith of choice, however, it is divided in several denominations with different views and ideas.  Which faith would lead a nation?  That is a question you have to ask.  Romney was Mormon.  Would a Mormon lead the country the same as a Baptist?  I think not.  Not that one is right and one is wrong, they are just different.  The founding fathers were mostly Unitarian or Deists.  They were not the old southern Baptists that many would like to picture.  The church also forgets one important point, everything is a two way street.  If the church can be meshed in government, then government can be meshed in the church.  That is how it works.  So be careful what you wish for...just sayin...

With that little soapbox moment behind me, I look toward the next four years with hope.  Hope that we can come together as a nation to deal with the issues of our time.  Hope for a less violent environment.  Hope for a better economy where the average man can actually save a little as opposed to just getting by.  Hope for a president with much on his shoulders.  Hope.

Here We Go Again...

Another year has come and gone.  Now's the time for reflection, plans, and promises.  Last year I said I wanted to be nicer.  Damn...that lasted about a day.  Maybe some people keep their resolutions.  Maybe there is a beautiful place where everyone quits smoking and cussing while they lose ten pounds.  Naw...no such thing.  That's just crazy talk.  We all break our resolutions but they are nice things to consider.  This year is going to be different though.  This year I plan on making resolutions I KNOW I can keep.

Eat plenty of chocolate - This year I shall eat enough chocolate to keep me happy.  In these tough economic times I promise to do what I can to support Hershey's and cocoa farmers. 

Have more sex - Yeah I said it!!  And I can too...I'm married you little prudes.  This should be a standard resolution for everyone...well unless you're a perv or something...then you should probably slow down.

Eat red meat - I feel like we should do what we can to control the cow population.  If we don't eat them we shall be over run by cows in the streets...destruction will ensue.  Tragedy I tell you.  Tragedy!!!  More steak and hamburgers!  I am doing it for humanity.

Make fun of stupid people - I mean really, this is just entertaining. 

Exercise more - HA!  Only kidding, wanted to make sure you were paying attention.

Now it's time to ring in the new year with my new goals.  Let's hear it for Auld Lang Syne!!

Christmas Past...

This year at Christmas, I am spending Christmas Day alone.  The kids are at their dad's, my husband is working a twelve hour shift, 7 a.m. till 7 p.m.  I am left here doing clean up and watching "A Christmas Story" over and over again.  Sounds more depressing than it is I guess.  We had our Christmas on the 23rd and spent yesterday just enjoying the loot and relaxing.  The kids need a do-nothing day with all of the traveling they have to do this time of year.  Mom's, dad's, grandparents', stepfamilies'...its a lot, that's for sure!  I am thankful that everywhere they go they are loved, blood relation or not.  But I must admit, I long for a traditional Christmas like I enjoyed when I was a kid.  Being alone today is certainly making me a bit nostalgic.

When I was growing up, we went to visit our grandparents the weekend before Christmas.  They lived about an hour away and did not carry on like we do today.  Granny Adams had ten children and my mother was the baby.  So Granny was older and didn't cook a big meal, but she always had biscuits and gravy left over when we visited.  I have never been able to find biscuits and gravy that tasted like hers...mmmmmmm.  She cooked with lard and on a wood burning stove, so I'm sure I will never find that again.  She also had a gazillion grandkids and great grandkids, not to mention a bunch of children of her own; so she did not buy presents.  We didn't care.  I just loved being there with her.  She always greeted us at the door with a hug and a big kiss.  Her knees did not bend well so she had trouble walking.  Her skin was a beautiful shade of brown from years of working out in the garden.  Her hair was always up in a bun.  It looked salt and pepper gray but when she took it down to comb it, it was long and black with one gray stripe down the side.  Beautiful.  She wore a house dress with a full apron, every time we saw her.  I still hold her in the same esteem I might hold Mother Teresa.  I miss her so.

My Mamaw Bush always had a present for us.  She had a total of four grandchildren so it was easier for her.  I always loved her gifts but most of all, I loved her laugh.  She had a great laugh.  She was no Mother Teresa either, full of spunk and sass.  As much as I would like to say I take after my Granny with her easy going ways, I am definitely my Mamaw Bush's granddaughter!  Bridling that tongue would be like taming the wildest of broncos...not going to happen.  I loved to hear her stories, because they always produced that wonderful, wonderful laugh.  Missing her today.

My mother always decked the house out for Christmas.  Today, her trees seem so regal.  Filled with beautiful ornaments and memories that she has collected  over a lifetime.  As a child, we would drape the doorways with plastic holly garland.  The tree held felt angels, deer, and Santas with silver garland and was lit up by large colored bulbs that were hot to the touch.  During the season, we would go to my grandmother's and get pine that Mom would weave into a wreath and garland for the porch.  It was magic!  I always thought that Santa's house looked much like ours.  On Christmas Eve, we were allowed to open two gifts.  The first was our Christmas pajamas and secondly was my brother and I's gift to each other.  We hung our stockings before going to bed.  I had the same stocking my entire childhood.  It was red felt with a white cuff and had a Santa holding gifts with a sign that read, "Merry Christmas."  Mom sewed my name on the cuff and I thought it looked AWESOME!  I loved that stocking and still love it today.  It is boxed up somewhere at my mother's house but it still survives...somewhere. 

Christmas morning was full of excitement!  We got out of bed at the break of dawn and woke my tired parents.  We ripped open our gifts and were elated with our bounty.  We rarely received toys throughout the year which made Christmas so much more special.  We never cried over not liking our gifts, it was unheard of.  After gifts, Mom made a huge Christmas breakfast with eggs and ham from Christmas dinner the day before.  It was delicious!  At some point during the day, I would find time to be in the living room alone, look up at the star (or angel, depending on the year) and say aloud, "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus."  I don't know if my parents ever saw me do that and I never told anyone that until now.  Christmas was so simple back then, so traditional.

Today I still love Christmas, but it is so much more complicated.  Maybe it is partly due to looking at it through the eyes of an adult instead of a child.  My kids live in two homes and have not had a traditional Christmas for about seven years now.  They have their scheduled visits with both parents and several family functions to attend.  And the gifts...oh my the gifts!!  They get so much!  They are great kids though and seem to appreciate what they receive from everyone.  They love all of their family and are loved and accepted everywhere they go.  I hope that they are able to feel the magic of Christmas as I did as a child.  I hope there is still that spark of wonder...

Technology Is Waaaay Cool...

Well, I'm back.  It has been awhile since I have written in my blog.  Did you miss me?  See it was like this...my computer crashed and the monitor was going bad and beyond repair.  My husband's computer works, but did not support the program the blog uses for me to update it.  It was very frustrating during the election.  MAN I had some good stuff! Oh well, I'll save it in the archives of my brain along with birthdays and grocery lists...aw dang, it's gone.  Good news is we purchased a new computer!  This thing is AMAZING!  It has Windows 8 which is awesome and new or something and as soon as my 12 year old son comes home, I am hoping he will show me how it works.  The screen is as big as a TV screen which is great right now because I can make these letters HUGE and can actually see them.  Who would have thought??  Supposedly this thing has a touch screen...I tried to advance my page and knocked over my glass of wine. (google stain removal later)  Guess I need to read up more on that.  I haven't figured out how to type on a document yet...I guess there is a generic program in there somewhere, I'd look for it but I'm afraid of knocking my wine over again.  I have Microsoft Office somewhere that I could install.  I think it is somewhere near my birthday and grocery list and by my election material.  Geez!  Am I going to be one of those old people at the library taking a computer class??   I used to know this stuff man!  I was taught word processing on a Radio Shack Tandy dammit!!  And yes, we called it word processing, don't ask.  Oh no...will I have to start writing on notebook paper?  With a pen??  Noooooooooo!  Ok, I gotta calm down.  I can learn this.  Technology is my friend, technology is my friend... Anyway, technology is waaay cool now, just wish I was!   

Interview Questions That I Hate...

Looking for a new job is taxing to say the least.  I really dislike the entire process, especially filling out applications...Yuck!!  But eventually, all of the time you have put into your resume' and your job application pays off and you are called for an interview...Yes!!  Personally, I prepare for an interview by thinking of possible interview questions and how I could possibly answer them...or should I say...how I could possibly fabricate an answer that seems somewhat truthful.  Don't judge me!  You know you do it too!  I mean let's get real, some of these questions are just ridiculous.  For example...

Question:  How do you handle a policy change in your company that you do not agree with or like? 
The right answer would probably be...I would go to my superior and ask questions and try to better understand the policy...or...I really feel I am flexible with change and roll with the punches.
Truth:  I complain in the breakroom with everyone else until I finally just get used to it and accept it.

Question:  Tell me how you handled a difficult or unhappy client?
This one isn't so bad because most of us can pull an example where a successful ending came into play and an angry/unhappy client walked away satisfied.  BUT...you never share the...
Truth:  I told him I am not arguing with you anymore about this, that's the rule, stop cussing at me, I do not get paid enough for that!!

Question:  How do you handle working with a difficult coworker?
The right answer would probably be that I try to find a common ground or I make sure I am being helpful and offering support.
Truth:  I tell them to get their ass back to their desk or I will go in the breakroom and spit on their lunch!!

Question:  What is your favorite animal and why?
This was an actual questioned that a friend of mine was asked in an interview.  I have no idea what the right answer would be but there are several answers to be had...
Truth:  I like pythons because they choke their prey.  I like tigers because they eat their prey.  I like cats because they are quiet and can sneak up on people.  I like birds because they can poop on people's heads...seriously I could go on forever.

Question:  What is your greatest weakness?
My favorite answer that I have heard is, "I really can't think of any right now."  That one is golden!  Probably the best answer would be something about how you are too hard on yourself or that you could always be more organized, blah, blah, blah...
Truth:  When I get stressed out, a fountain of cuss words flow from my mouth that can only be rivaled by the oldest sailor at the darkest dock.

Be honest in your interviews...but much like my husband's hearing...be selective.