Interview Questions That I Hate...

Looking for a new job is taxing to say the least.  I really dislike the entire process, especially filling out applications...Yuck!!  But eventually, all of the time you have put into your resume' and your job application pays off and you are called for an interview...Yes!!  Personally, I prepare for an interview by thinking of possible interview questions and how I could possibly answer them...or should I say...how I could possibly fabricate an answer that seems somewhat truthful.  Don't judge me!  You know you do it too!  I mean let's get real, some of these questions are just ridiculous.  For example...

Question:  How do you handle a policy change in your company that you do not agree with or like? 
The right answer would probably be...I would go to my superior and ask questions and try to better understand the policy...or...I really feel I am flexible with change and roll with the punches.
Truth:  I complain in the breakroom with everyone else until I finally just get used to it and accept it.

Question:  Tell me how you handled a difficult or unhappy client?
This one isn't so bad because most of us can pull an example where a successful ending came into play and an angry/unhappy client walked away satisfied.  BUT...you never share the...
Truth:  I told him I am not arguing with you anymore about this, that's the rule, stop cussing at me, I do not get paid enough for that!!

Question:  How do you handle working with a difficult coworker?
The right answer would probably be that I try to find a common ground or I make sure I am being helpful and offering support.
Truth:  I tell them to get their ass back to their desk or I will go in the breakroom and spit on their lunch!!

Question:  What is your favorite animal and why?
This was an actual questioned that a friend of mine was asked in an interview.  I have no idea what the right answer would be but there are several answers to be had...
Truth:  I like pythons because they choke their prey.  I like tigers because they eat their prey.  I like cats because they are quiet and can sneak up on people.  I like birds because they can poop on people's heads...seriously I could go on forever.

Question:  What is your greatest weakness?
My favorite answer that I have heard is, "I really can't think of any right now."  That one is golden!  Probably the best answer would be something about how you are too hard on yourself or that you could always be more organized, blah, blah, blah...
Truth:  When I get stressed out, a fountain of cuss words flow from my mouth that can only be rivaled by the oldest sailor at the darkest dock.

Be honest in your interviews...but much like my husband's hearing...be selective.

The Misadventures of Being Married to a Crackhead

Let me start by saying my husband, Mike, has been sober for almost 7 years.  I did not know him when he was an addict/alcoholic, nor would I have wanted to.  I have always known the man who devotes his life to helping other people recover from their addiction with his own life experiences, positive attitude and sense of humor. I would, however, be remiss in saying that I am not aware of the fact that addiction is a disease and all recovering addicts live with the possibility of a relapse if they become lax in their "program."  With that said, hence goes my story...

I am getting ready for work the other morning and am preparing my clothes for the day.  I do not iron.  I refuse to iron.  In short, I hate ironing.  So every morning, I fluff my clothes in the dryer.  On this particular morning I go to put my clothes in the dryer and find that Mike has left a load in there.  I pull his clothes out (yes my husband does his own laundry) and place mine in, turn it on, and walk away.  I return to the familiar sound of "chunga-chunk, chunga-chunk," probably a coin left in my pocket.  I remove my clothes and find the culprit...a small, mis-shapen white rock and a clear baggy.  What the heck is this??  I remove it and study it...Oh my god...oh...my...god...ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!!!!  Is this crack?  It looks like crack...ohmygod...what do I do??  Well first I look around my laundry room like some wise man is going to appear and advise me.  Ok Lisa, calm down.  I have never seen crack before except in episodes of "Cops,"  maybe I am overreacting.  I go to my computer and google "Images of crack cocaine."  I am hoping that there is no one monitoring my computer searches, otherwise they will find Buddhism, museums in Frankfort, Ky., and images of crack cocaine...I obviously need to be separated from society.  I look at the pictures...oh my god...oh...my...god...ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!  This looks just like CRACK!!!!  Now what????  How could Mike have relapsed??  We still have money in the bank??  My son's XBox is still in his room?? He came home last night????  How could this be?????  I will confront him.  Yes, that is what I must do.  I go to the bedroom where he is sleeping and hold out my hand with the rock in it, "Mike, what is this?"  He looks at it curiously...picks it up and licks it.  "DON'T LICK IT!!!"  Can't you die from that???  He hands it back to me..."It's peppermint."  WHAT????  I lick it...oh yeah...it is peppermint.  Heh, heh...peppermint...imagine that.  Guess I better go hit an Al-Anon meeting...my husband is obviously smoking peppermint...

Blind Date Horror Story...

I hate blind dates.  The problem with blind dates is you go on a date and wish to GOD you were blind…and deaf…and numb…ugh!  Worst blind date ever; I mean EVER!  A friend of mine fixed me up with a fella from a prominent family, good breeding.  I thought, “Why not?  What could go wrong?”  Oh, just read on.   He arrives at my doorstep, dumpy and balding.  Let me explain first that I have no issue with baldness, baldness can be very sexy.  Allowing those fuzzball things going down the side of your head…not so much.  As I was saying, he arrives at my doorstep not so attractive.  We go to dinner and I spend the next hour listening to story after story about how horrible his ex wife was and how badly she treated him during his divorce.  Strike one.  He then begins to talks about his career.  Normally this would include something to the effect of, “I went to college and majored in (insert major here) then I went to work at (insert company here)  I now am at (again, insert company here) and (love/hate) it…blah, blah, blah.”  I could not get that lucky.  My date begins to talk about how he got into the computer business.  First, he was going to college where he was on the library computer, his friend had hacked a bank and he had hacked the Pentagon.  FBI came in and took them into custody, they interrogated them and then gave them the choice…go to jail or work for them.   His friend took the deal but him…no he held out.  That’s hot.  He decided to work on a contract basis because, as you know, this is how the FBI works.  They’re such wimps.  This begins the adventure otherwise known as his imaginary career.  When the U.S. is in need…when they have nowhere to turn…they go to HIM.  Oh yes, don’t you doubt this…helicopters have met him at his home where he has climbed that infamous rope ladder (you know, like you see in the movies) and has been whisked away to Washington D.C. to save my ass.  Don’t you doubt that!  He’s a hero dang it!  Other times a private plane has met him at the local army depot to take him straight to the president to save our butts…yes, I had the opportunity to meet this man.  Don’t hate…appreciate.  You would think I would stop there and say that he went home, I never saw him again, and life went on.  Oh no.  It gets better.  After he tells me of his career adventures, I get to hear of his medical ailments.  God help me.   You see, he is diabetic.  If there is a cure for diabetes, by golly, he will be there.  He is the subject of a controversial drug that has some serious side effects.  You see, if he takes this medication, the side effect is death.  If he stops the medication, he will die.  Wow.  That is what you call being stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Sucks to be you.  The good news is, the other side effect is dry orgasms so he is now 100% sterile.  No lie, this is our first and ONLY date.  I have spent the entire evening with a spy who has no sperm count.  It’s a wonder I’m not a lesbian…

               

New Year's Resolution? Be Nice...

It's that time of year again...a new year means new ideas.  So what shall it be this year...hmmmmm...lose weight?  Organize?  What???  Well I would like to lose a pound or two and who couldn't be more organized?  I would also like to do more writing and read more...BUT...what will be my New Year's Resolution!?  Simple...be nice.  You would think that being nice is easy but unfortunately...its not!  It is SO difficult!  I lose count in a day how many people I call "idiot" when I'm driving down the road.  I wish I could say I drive a long commute to work but alas...I live 10 minutes away!  Ugh!  Most of my fit happens sitting in the line at school to drop off my daughter!  I think I need to be medicated. God be with you if I happen to get hungry.  I will punch a person in the face if my sugar level drops!  Starvation and a boxing ring and I may have a new career!  (considers this for a moment)

Being nice isn't just a problem for me, it seems to be a problem for society in general.  Don't act so innocent...you know what I'm talking about.  We want what we want and we want it now!  We use to have to cook for hours to prepare a meal.  Now we can stick it in the microwave and have it ready in three and a half minutes but at two we are screaming, "Hurry up!!!!  ARGH!"  We used to have phones attached to walls...remember those?  Not only that, they had a rotary dial!  It took days to make a call...Heaven help you if your number had 9's in it.  NO ONE is calling you!  Now we have phones that we carry in our pocket, access the internet, send written messages instantly and we are pissed cause we can't get a call in the middle of the wilderness in a rainstorm.  So don't judge me...we could all stand to be a little nicer... 

Handy Uses for Ex Husbands...

You might ask, "Wow.  I have this ex husband on my hands and well...he's kind of getting in the way.  What can I do?  Should I recycle?"  Don't just let him stand there in the middle of your life collecting bitterness...get some good use out of him!  There's plenty of ways to make that ex husband of yours as handy as your favorite spatula!

Doorstop - Who couldn't use a doorstop?  We ALL could!  Let the sunshine in and set that heavy little burden against that door.  You can even brighten him up with a little glitter or even rhinestones!

Hammer - Need to hang a picture on your wall but can't find your hammer?  No worries!!  Your ex husband's head is so hard you can use it to beat those nails right into the wall.  Wow!!  Now THAT is useful!!! 

Mailbox - Did those pesky kids tear up your mailbox again?  That's ok...set your ex husband out by the curb and use HIM as your mailbox!  His mouth is so big...it can even hold UPS packages.  Amazing!!

Fertilizer - Wishing you had red ripe tomatoes like grandma?  Have your ex husband stand in the middle of your garden and watch!  He is so full of shit your tomatoes will start winning ribbons at the fair!  Yum!

Coat Rack - Stop hanging your coat on the back of your kitchen chair!  Just place your ex husband in the corner of your living room or breezeway and throw that coat right over his head.  Doesn't that look better?  Why yes it does!

So many uses...try some of these at home and see what you think!

My Body Is So Friendly!

It seems as I get older I get grumpier...these young people and their black lipstick...stupid drivers...Ugh! These long lines!!  I may be getting an "old bitty" attitude but my body has a great attitude!!  It seems that it constantly wants to wave at people.  Isn't that nice!  I raise my arms and they wave so excitedly...you know that area underneath what USED to be your bicep?  Yeah you know what I'm talking about.  It wants to get to know people, it wants to get out there and be sociable...what a party animal!!  In the summertime, just wait until I put on a pair of shorts.   My thighs start inviting the whole neighborhood over for a bar-b-q!  C'mon! Follow me!  This way!  My thighs will show you the way...just follow the wave!  It's nice having friendly thighs.  Watch out if I get into a bathing suit...my buttocks just can't help but say hello.  Changes the whole meaning of "Kiss my butt!"  It's like kissing an old friend...

Maybe my body can get with my attitude and help me with my social graces.  I can start by just raising my hand...my biceps will take care of the rest...

Bringing Sexy Back...

I've read many an article in the popular magazines about what is considered "sexy."  Look at the ads, commercials, music videos, entertainment industry and you can see EXACTLY what they consider sexy...flat stomachs, little clothing, perfect skin, and 0% body fat.  Who can live up to this????  Not me that's for sure.  I get out of the shower in the mornings and thank God for steam!  I don't need to see THAT!!  Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting myself down.  But let's face it, as we get older, things aren't where they once were.  Stuff drops and droops, veins show up that weren't there before and our hair changes color.  This however doesn't mean that we are no longer sexy, which goes back to my original thought...what is sexy?  Here are some of my ideas not necessarily in order of importance:

Confidence-Not to be confused with arrogance, confidence is an extremely sexy quality.  Being comfortable with who you are, your abilities, and being aware of your strengths AND weaknesses.  What is being aware of your weaknesses got to do with it...invite me to sing and you'll find out.

Staying Fit-I admit fully that I am horrible with this.  I try to do some form of activity when I can but do not do anything on a regular basis.  BUT, doing some form of exercise every day is good for the soul, puts a glow in your cheeks and helps to relieve stress.  I don't care if I am ever a size 4, but I do like to feel healthy. *giggles* Me a size 4, THAT's funny...

Dressing Appropriately-Do not, I need to stress, DO NOT...dress like your teenage daughter!  She may look gorgeous in skinny jeans and a tank top...you...maybe not so much.  Not because of your body shape, although that can be an issue, but because it just does not suit your age.  Many will disagree with me on this but I think we look much more attractive in something that suits our body type and our age.  This does not mean we have to dress in  polyester and nurse shoes...let's be reasonable. 

Sense of Humor-At any age this is an awesome trait to have!  If you can approach life with a positive attitude, it makes you more approachable and more magnetic.  The old saying it takes more muscles to frown than to smile says it all, besides, I'd much rather have laugh lines around my mouth than frown lines.  Ugh!

Be confident in who you are!  Take care of yourself and SMILE!  Go on...you can do it!