Didn't Expect to Say That!!

I cannot remember a time when I did not want to be a mother.  I have always wanted children, ALWAYS.  I used to dream of what they would look like, what there personalities would be.  I could imagine sitting on a beautiful porch, me sitting peacefully reading while my children sat and played quietly and pet our well-behaved dog...ok, I had an active imagination.  Point is, I knew I wanted to be a mom, so there.  The days my kids were born were two of the happiest days of my life.  Looking down at those sweet little faces and having so much to look forward to!  What I didn't expect were some of the things that have actually come out of my mouth.  I never expected to say THAT!!!  Things like:

Come here and give me that booger.

Stop a second I need to pick your nose.

Your clothes are inside-out.  (Actually I did say this at a party once)

Underwear does not go on your head. (Wait, I said that at a party too)

Keep your penis in your pants. (Ok I may have said that to my first husband)

Oh my God!!!  My son just peed in his mouth!!!  (He was an infant, don't freak out)

Do you need me to wipe your butt?

Yeah, being a mom certainly has its surprises and interesting moments.  But even with all the nose picking and butt wiping...it's all good...

I Think I'll Write a Book...

I'm thinking I would like to write the great American novel...I mean I AM a great American, right?  I'm thinking that the trick to writing a book is to write about something that is complete fantasy, something so out of your element that you can feel free to get carried away in the moment.  Here are some of my ideas...

I could write about a woman who grows up in a small town and gets married a bunch of times only to find love during her midlife to someone unexpected.  They could get married in the end and...oh wait a minute...

Ok here's one...I could write about a woman who after having two kids is struggling with the size of her own butt.  It could be a sci-fi flick where the butt actually takes over the entire town and the National Guard is called in...you're right that may be too close to home as well.

Maybe a children's book!  I could write about two kids who bicker until their mother has to pull over to the side of the road turn around and wave her finger at them as she yells while her eyes bug out.  Oh, you must have seen me out on the road the other day...sorry...

This is harder than I expected.  It's difficult to not get too personally involved in your fictional story.  I got it!!!!

I will write a book about a super model who has millions of dollars.  Although she has the perfect body; butt is not too big...boobs not too small, she is not required to rely on her beauty for she has the IQ of a genius.  Her children think she is always right and agree with everything she says.  They never bicker but instead compliment each other and help each other with their homework and chores.  She has pets but they never stink.  Their doggy breath smells like mint.  Her husband says he loves her even more when she has PMS.  Hmmmmmmm...kind of boring.  I think I need to add some explosions or an ax murderer or something...

Compliments or Cannibalism

Ever notice how we use some strange phrases to express ourselves!  If you are especially fond of someone, you might say, "I love them to death!!"  Wow...this is a good thing?  Last time someone attempted to love me to death, I became single!  When I see a cute baby I say, "Ooooooooooo...I just want to eat his face!!!"  That's a bit disturbing.  When you enjoy someone's company, you might say, "Oh, I could just eat her up!"  Seriously, I would prefer a sandwich.  Is this flattery or are we just hungry?

Another funny thing that is popular to say in the south is to follow all insults with, "Bless his/her heart" or "God love him/her."  It seems to take the sting out of comments that might otherwise be considered harsh.  It's one thing to say, "Jane's new boyfriend is ugly."  But when you say, "Have you seen Jane's new boyfriend?  God love him he is ugly."  It's almost as though you feel his pain.  "Leroy is dumb" or "Bless Leroy's heart he is a dumb one."  Leroy may not be very smart but darn it I feel for him, don't you?  Southerners have a way of insulting you without you even knowing you have been insulted...God love'em.

Just the other day I was in the grocery where I saw the sweetest baby.  Ooooooooooo...I could have eat her face she was so pretty!  Her three year old brother was so sweet I could have sopped him up with a biscuit!!  But then the parents turned around and God love their hearts, they were not good looking people.  I started a conversation with them, the mother was a sweet young woman but her husband, bless his heart, was dumber than a can worms.  I guess its a good thing they can make pretty babies, God love them.  I'm so glad I have you to tell these things too.  I love you so much...I could just eat you up!!!

That's good...right?

Getting Older Part 1: Things That Suck!

I try to be positive about my age. I try to look at the bright side, the silver lining, the gold at the end of the rainbow...but who the heck believes that crap! Sometimes, getting older just sucks! Here are some things that I have noticed that nobody warned me about...so I'm warning YOU!!

Young people irritate me to no end! Not all of them, just 98.7% of them. The guy walking down the street wearing metal all over his face. Hair dyed black wearing black lipstick...wearing a look of bitterness and hate, obviously wanting attention. Then when you look at him and he says, "What are you lookin' at?" Aargh!! Get over here and let me give you a haircut punk!! Grumble, grumble, grumble...

Why the heck do my hands look like dried up prunes!! I moisturize, I exfoliate, but I could map out the Middle East on the back of my hands! Anybody need directions?

What changed that made getting up from the floor an Olympic event? Gone are the days that I just pop up and go to the kitchen and get a drink. Now it becomes a major event in calisthenics! Roll to all fours...find a support table...pull to my knees...one leg at a time...heck now I need a nap...

AAAACHOOOOO!!! Ooops, peed my pants.  Ha ha ha ha...that was funny!  Ooops, peed my pants.  Stomp my foot.  Ooops, peed my pants.  Run across the street.  Ooops, peed my pants.  Oh!  You startled me!  Ooops, peed my pants.  Let's dance!  Ooops, peed my pants.  Maybe this is where all of the moisture in my hands is going...
 
Consider this your official warning label.  My advice?  Moisturize like there is no tomorrow and do your Kegels!!!

Resolutions, Smesolutions...

This time of year, most of us sit back and reflect on changes we would like to make in our lives. We then perform the age old tradition of making our "New Year's Resolution" to make a promise to ourselves that we will carry through with them. I think we should examine and decipher what we REALLY mean when we make our resolutions...

Resolution: I want to lose twenty pounds this year.
Truth: I want to discover a pill that will make me lose twenty pounds in a week this year.

Resolution: I want to exercise more and tone and strengthen my muscles.
Truth:  I will buy exercise equipment.  I will sit on the couch and watch some
exercise programs then I will sit on the couch and watch Law & Order using
my exercise equipment as a laundry utensil.
 
Resolution:  I want to be a nicer person.
Truth:  I will keep my middle finger in the proper place while driving.
 
Resolution:  I want to stop smoking.
Truth:  I will hide in the bathroom and on the back porch and smoke until
January 10th, then I will puff like the freight train I was meant to be.
 
Resolution:  I want to be more fiscally responsible.
Truth:  I will say no to super size at McDonalds, well until January 10th anyway.
 
Enjoy your New Year's resolutions for as long as they last whether it be January 10th or the more disciplined, January 11th...braggers.

Twas the Last Shopping Night Before Christmas...

Twas the last shopping night before Christmas and all through the stores,
All the shoppers were scurrying and buying in hords.

People were grouchy and credit cards were full,
Definite signs that it's time for the yule!

Ma had her egg nog and I, beer on tap,
We were exhausted, our energy sapped.

When out in the driveway we heard such a clatter,
We staggered to the window to see what was the matter!

Unexpected family arrived at our door,
More gifts!!  NO! No more!!!

We turned out the lights and hid under the table,
We should be hospitable but just were not able.

They kept hitting the doorbell, it rang and it rang.
Surely they will go away...DANG!

They turned and they got back into their car,
Oh please let them go far.

Then we exclaimed as they drove away in their Rover,
We should have been Jewish, heck Hanukkah is over!!!

Busy,busy, busy...

With the Christmas season at full peak, it reminds of the busyness of our lives.  It seems we just don't have time for anything anymore.  No one visits or even knows their neighbors and our hands would probably fall off if we tried to write a letter.  Our lives are filled with so much to do...it must be that we are doing extremely important things...filling our days with such constructive activities that we MUST be changing our world for the better.  Three hours of facebook is very important to...uh...well...our...uh...gimme a second.  It's important for socialization, yeah that's it!!!  I mean remember when we used to visit people and talk on the front porch?  Suckers.  And who has time to clean our house and take care of yard work when there is a Law & Order marathon on????  We have to take time for that!!!  Law & Order is educational...that is EXACTLY what it's like in the real world, especially in a small town like Winchester!  You want me to volunteer??!!  WHAT!!!!  Did you not see that UK is playing???? Idiot.  We're too busy to cook, instead we fix our food in a microwave and yell, "Hurry up!!!!"  There is no time to wait!  I have to update my status before Law & Order comes on!!!  I'm busy!!