Our Biggest Fears...

All of us are afraid of something.  I have heard that the most common fear is speaking in public, the second is the fear of death.  I guess this means many people would rather die than speak in public.  Hmmmm, something to think about.  My daughter is afraid of bugs, especially spiders.  I had a neighbor who was deathly afraid of snakes.  A male friend of mine was terrified of clowns...Ronald McDonald approached him at an assembly he was attending with his children and he threatened to punch him.  Now THAT is fear! 

I can honestly say that none of those fears are my greatest one.  I do hate snakes, but hate mice more.  Clowns are kind of creepy but I can't say that they scare me.  I NEVER mind speaking, be it private or public and I am quite content with my life after death.  Spiders and bugs do not phase me.  What am I afraid of you ask?  One thing...ONE can send shivers down my spine and make my blood turn cold.  One thing can give me nightmares at night and wake me in terror...laundry!

Laundry is the most evil, most detestable curse placed on the human race.  It never EVER ends!!  EVER!!!  I throw the clothes in the washer, put them in the dryer while another load goes in the washer.  The load is dry so I put them in the hamper to fold and then...AAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!  They never get folded!  There is always an interruption or distraction and then there are two loads to fold then three until I am staring at the foot of Mt. Never-rest!  I cannot tell you how many curse words have been mumbled from my lips while trying to find something to wear in the morning in this pile of death!  There is no greater feeling of relief than to tame this savage beast...to have all of the laundry folded and put away, everything in its place.  Doesn't that feel good?  Ahh yes, until you open the dryer and find...(blood curdling scream)...MORE LAUNDRY!!!   (shiver)

I think I will sleep with the light on tonight...the world just isn't safe.

Christmas Carols for this Week's Shopping...

The Christmas shopping season is getting ready to go full swing!!!  This is the time of year for peace and good will toward men...but who are we kidding?  It's every shopper for themselves!!!  Get my parking spot and might poke your eye out!!!  To survive the season, I'm going to share a couple of Christmas carols that you can hum to some of your favorite tunes...

To be sung to the tune of "Joy to the World,"

No Joy at the Stores

Here come the nuts, the sales have begun!

Let crazies roam the stores!!

Let every mom, fight other mom's

for the last Pillow Pet in the store

or the last XBox in the store,

or she'll beat her up

with her Gucci purse!

This next one is to be sung to the Elvis Presley song, "Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me,"

Santa Bring My Credit Back to Me

Santa bring my credit back to me,

Santa bring my credit back to me...

I need alot of presents

to do my family right,

or they will never speak to me

or let me sleep at night.

Ohhh Santa, if you please--

Santa extend some credit out to meeeeeeee...

Santa bring my credit back to,me,

Santa bring my credit back to me...

The toy list's getting longer

longer every day,

"Santa ain't made of money!"

is all that I can say.

Ohhhhh Santa, if you please,

Santa extend some credit out to meeeeeeee...

Santa bring my credit back to me,

Santa bring my credit back to me.

Hopefully these little ditties will help you get through this season of pushing and shoving and name calling...and that's just while you're trying to leave your house!!!  Good Luck!



Life's Constants...

There are certain constants in life. Undeniable things that will NEVER change...

The sun will always rise in the east and set in the west. We won’t wake up one day and say, “Hey! The sun is rising in the north! What the hell…”

We will all pay taxes. We will all die. Some of us will die paying taxes.

Men will always enjoy passing you in the hall naked and going "Woo Woo!" as they shake their privates at you.

Cat turds will always stink and dogs, for God knows what reason, will always sneak and eat them. I will never understand that…I mean…I sneak off and eat a bag of Doritos sometimes but you won’t see me sneak to the bathroom and grab snack! Yuck! Worst part is, we let them lick our face. We’re such suckers…yet another constant.

Old people will always drive slow and young people will always drive fast…and my mother will always push the imaginary brake on the passenger side floorboard. SERIOUSLY!!!! You can’t make the car stop Mom!!!! Just like throwing your right arm across us when you slammed on the brakes was NOT going to keep us from going through the windshield. Let GM add THAT to their safety features!

Boobs will always fall with age unless they are fake…in which case…I hate you. Young women are always going to be a cruel reminder of what used to be…in which case…I hate them too. Some women are a size D cup or above…I also hate you. But I’m getting sidetracked…flat chested women are bitter…that is another constant.

It's nice to know that some things never change...I like stability...

Hell Hath No Fury as Me in the Traffic Line at School

My family makes so much fun of me regarding my road rage.  I admit it fully that I suffer from this issue.  I can be in a perfectly good mood when some idiot cuts me off and I am ready to ring his/her neck!  STUPID DRIVER!!! GET OFF THE ROAD!!  Oh, I'm sorry...I forgot myself for a minute.  I don't think that I am alone in this problem.  We all seem to be short fused these days with all of the hustle and bustle going on in our lives.  Road rage is not the only time we may show our frustrations.  There are other triggers that may cause some of our hissie fits.  I thought maybe we would look at a few of them:

Road Rage:  This is the easiest situation for me to lose my temper, probably because no one can hear what I say.  I'm not one of those crazy people that gets out of their car and starts a fight...I just sit cowardly in my car and mouth off.  The thing that sets me off more than anything else is the traffic line at my kids school in the morning when I drop them off.  AAAAARRRGH!!!  The rule is; pull up to the end of the sidewalk so that ten cars can unload as opposed to dropping them off at the door so that two can.  This is not hard to understand!!!!  In April, parents will still be doing this.  Why must you torment me!!!??? 

Shopping Cart Rage:  Ever walked down the aisle of a supermarket only to find it blocked by some lady who has parked her cart in the middle and is standing beside it taking her own sweet time reading the nutrition facts on a box of Wheat Thins?  MOVE!!!!  You know what lady?  When you get home you aren't going to care what those Wheat Thins say...you are totally gonna binge on a box of Chips Ahoy so just get out of my way and go get your cookies!!!  My usual response is an obnoxiously loud, "Excuse me!" then I grab my cookies and go on my way...grumbling of course.

Lazy Family Rage:  You are busily straightening the house, doing laundry, dusting, vacuuming, the works.  You look up only to find that the kids are playing video games and your husband is watching the game.  Unbelievable!!!  The tirade that soon follows is best said behind closed doors.  I usually like to inform my family that without me they would probably starve and drowned in their own filth!  They tend to go on about their relaxing while I am now cleaning vigorously due to the increase in adrenaline.  How do they always WIN!!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...

These are just a few of the rages that I have observed.  There are many more but I'm afraid if I list them, my sanity might come into question... 

Evil Lurks Behind the Door...

I approached the darkened house cautiously, a low thunder rolled in the distance.  As an uneasy wind whistled, I fumbled for my keys.  There was an overwhelming sense of evil in the air that sent shivers down my spine.  I could sense that something was a miss, something was wrong.  I entered the door into the darkened house.  I tried to turn on the switch but it wasn't working.  The uneasiness grew, I could feel my heart beating rapidly.  I must face what is inside, of that I am sure.  I fumble through the kitchen until I find the lighter.  The light gives an eerie glow, but somehow it offers a sense of relief.  I begin to descend  down the steps to the basement.  The light aids with the steps but the corners look darker than usual.  The shadows are difficult to make out, I say a prayer to myself.  Behind the door is where I must go to face what is on the other side.  Slowly, I turn the knob and ease the door open.  I shine the light inside...No...No...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE laundry?  Stupid laundry.

A House Divided!

There are several different things that can divide a household such as; politics, religion, and financial handling just to name a few.  What divides my household you might ask?  College sports!  I am a die hard Kentucky Wildcat fan and my fiance' is a die hard Louisville Cardinal fan.  Anyone who is familiar with the rivalry can attest that it is deep rooted.  One would almost believe that we are doomed from the start!  Since this is a potentially volatile situation, I have come up with some ideas to help keep the peace in our relationship:

I bought two Christmas ornaments, one UK and one U of L to hang on our tree.  I really have no idea how his became a doggy chew toy.  That is just a shame!  Oh well, my UK one will still look pretty.

I am putting out garden flags to support both teams.  My UK flag will be in the flower garden in the front yard.  I placed his Louisville flag in a special place as well...see it over there in the backyard behind the storage building?  Doesn't it look great?

On game day we support our favorite team by wearing our favorite team shirt.  I wear my blue and white proudly!  What??  How did bleach get on his new Louisville hoodie!??!  Wonders never cease.

I will watch my UK games in the living room and he will watch his Louisville games in the den.  How did the cord get cut off of the television in the den?  Now that is a mystery.

I am very proud of myself for making this effort to not let this rivalry get in the way of such a beautiful relationship.  I am confident that once these "coincidences" work themselves out, all will be well. (walks away whistling innocently)

More Lessons in Humility...

I once said that I would never color my hair when it turned gray.  Ah, the silly things we say in our youth.  Little did I know how unruly gray hair was!  I thought gray hair was just regular hair turned, well, turned gray.  No, no, no...gray hair is a completely different texture and for some odd reason, it is curly!  What the heck is that about??!!  The second these crazy little things began to show up, I began to hide them.  Thus began my experiment with hair color!

For the most part, I choose a color that is close to my natural color...a medium brown.  I sometimes step out of the box and go a shade darker, sometimes I go with a little bronze tint.  Oooooooooo...I know how to live on the edge!  This time I was going to go red, how exciting!  I absolutely LOVE red hair, LOVE it!!  My kids have red hair, my brother has red hair, my fiance' has...well...he's bald, but at one time he had red hair!  I went to the hair care aisle at the department store and began studying the colors.  Ah, Cinnaberry!  That sounds nice.  The picture on the box was a beautiful auburn color; I'm sure mine will turn out just like that!!!  Well, maybe.

I applied the hair color and waited anxiously for the results.  Oh this is going to look great, I just knew it!!  Interesting how the hair color looks purple when I am applying it, no matter, I'm sure it will look fine once it's finished.  I rinse and condition, this is so exciting!!!  Wow, that tub water looks a bit purple, oh it's fine I'm sure.

Burgundy.  Yep.  That is what my hair color is, an interesting shade of Burgundy!!!  I come out of the bathroom and my son begins to laugh, "I thought it was supposed to be red!"  He is a very observant child.  "I think my hair is burgundy."  My daughter chimes in, "I like burgundy Mom, it's better than gray."  She does have a point.  Maybe I just need to get used to it.

The kids and I take a trip to visit my parents.  As we sit on the back porch enjoying the fall day, my kids and my mother begin choosing foliage that matches my hair color.  "Look at those leaves, they are the same color as your hair.  Oooo, so are those!"  And they wonder why I don't visit more often. 

The good news is that this is only a twenty-eight day rinse.  After that I can go back to my usual medium brown.  Until then I can consider myself a fall decoration!  Like my daughter said, it's better than gray!!